Reaching for the Ring
by Verbl Kint 187
Summary: Sometimes we need help with setting our lives straight.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion, it is in fact owned by Gainax.    Neither is there any intention to copy the works of any other writers.  Any similarities in plot, situations, character dialogue, etc. found between this fic and any other fic is unintentional and purely coincidental.**

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Reaching for the Ring

                I'd have to say that the most beautiful thing in the world is nature.  I'd probably be committing some sort of fallacy by saying that the reason why I think that nature is the most beautiful thing in the world is because it is the most natural thing there is.  Taking a walk in the woods on a warm day with the breeze at your back costs nothing and, in my opinion, is better than any movie that you could see at the theatre.

                When I was a younger, I lived in a small town, far away from the grossly populated neo cities like Tokyo-3.  In fact, I believe that the town I had lived in was over fifty years old.  Outside of town limits, it was the open road.  On my little excursions, which happened to be the bane of my guardian's existence, I would go to a favorite spot of mine, about a mile west of the town.  It was a little clearing with a stream running through.  There was a slope slightly above it on one side, the side that I would be arriving from, and embedded in the slope was a large boulder, flat on the top.  It was perfect to set up something like a blanket and have a picnic.  The sun would warm your back, the stream would talk to you and the birds would sing for your enjoyment.  There's no doubt in my mind now that everyone in the town knew about that spot, but back then, that was my secret spot.  Besides, no one else went there so, for all my young mind knew, it was a secret spot.  And from this portrait, I can look back at it and say that I had a happy, normal childhood.  But I'd be lying to myself.

                I'd sit out on the flat of the boulder, the cold stone biting against my legs with my blanket wrapped around myself.  The moon would shine down upon my tear-streaked face as I cried silently, the nightmares still fresh in my mind.  No songs, no picnic, no sunshine.  Sometimes it would even begin to rain.  Not that I really minded the rain.  It did well to ease to my troubled thoughts, as though the rain were a shower cleaning me of all my inner soils.  The only things that ran through my mind were questions.  Why do I have these nightmares?  Why am I the only kid in town without parents?  Why am I always so lonely?  Why don't I have any friends?

                Well, that last question isn't exactly true.  I did have friends, sort of.  No, the other children at school didn't make fun of me, or tease me, or pants me, or rub dirt in my hair, or any sorts of those traumatizing things.  But they were always so distant.  They were kind enough, but I was never invited over to another student's house for a birthday party.  I was like the mentally retarded kid that everyone was nice to, but no one wanted to be associated with, or at least that's how it felt. However, there was one student whom I could call my friend.

                She was the only one left in front of the school after all the other students had gone home.  Her little dress was old and darker, bought second hand from the local thrift store.  If you looked hard enough, you could see the places where a rip or tear was sown up with a slightly different shade of blue.  Her skin was slightly tanner than the other students, and every so often she would show up to class with a yellowing mark on her face or on one of her arms.  Her hair was dark brown, and you could tell by looking at it that she didn't use conditioner like the other girls in the class.  She had a smile that glowed, and a personality that shone.  But by far, her most beautiful attribute lay in her eyes.  Light green, just like emeralds.  I never knew why she was the target for the jeering and jests of the other students.  All I knew was that she was, one, beautiful, two, nice, and three, the closest thing to a true friend that I had.

                We would sit on an aging wooden bench right outside of the school's entrance.  I would be waiting for my guardian to finish up her work.  She waited…I don't why she waited with me.  But we would sit and talk, sometimes do homework and sometimes play simple games.  And then when my guardian stepped out of the school, it would be time for me to go home.  Of course, we would both beg my guardian to stay a little longer so we could finish whatever we needed to finish, but when it was all said and done she said no.  And so I would leave, my guardian holding onto one hand while I waved goodbye with the other.  She would wave goodbye to me as well, her face still smiling, saying I'll see you tomorrow, all the while her eyes feeling sad.

                Asuka reminded me of her.  I hadn't exactly placed why as I pondered it in my bedroom.  I lay there until long after midnight, listening to Asuka cry in her room across from mine.  I didn't know where Misato was, and I didn't much care either.  It seemed that she was out of the apartment more often since Asuka's tragedy, and with the type of emotion that Asuka was spreading around since, I wouldn't blame her, well, not now at least.

                All right, I won't deny that I felt some sort of rejection when she wouldn't come home for dinner, and more so when she didn't even bother to call.  But it's funny in a way, because when she was home, often times I couldn't stand being around her, the result of which I would lock myself away in my room for the night.  She would come home, tired and with bags under her eyes.  The first thing that she would do is go to the refrigerator and fight the battle of alcoholism.  Sometimes she would win, other times she would not.  I can't say I really preferred her being sober or drunk though.  When she was drunk, her tactfulness regarding Asuka's feelings would disappear, the result leaving negative feelings and tears.  When she was sober, it seemed like she couldn't get her act together.  She would be more sympathetic to Asuka and myself, but she didn't know what to do.  It didn't help that we didn't know what we wanted from her either.  And so Asuka would stay in her room and Misato and I would be left alone at the dinner table, an awkward silence floating like the lurking black clouds.  She would try and start a conversation with me, and my answers were minimal.

                I recall one day we were having pork ramen.  I ate in silence and so did she, but I noticed that every so often she would glance up at me, worry evident on her face.  

                "So, how was your day?"  She asked, sounding lost.

                "Fine."  I replied.  More silence.

                "Aiko has been moved into the NERV medical facilities."

                "Who's Aiko?"  I asked absently.

                "Toji's sister."

                "Ah."  I showed nothing, but inside, the old wound opened.

                "She's doing much better."

                "That's good."  I continued to eat, never making eye contact with her.

                "Her room is just down the hall from Toji's."  I didn't reply, but my grip on my ohashi tightened.  "You should go down to see him sometime.  I'm sure that'd make him feel better."

                I'm sure it would've, but I wasn't thinking about him.  Of course not, I was thinking about myself.  Who cared about Toji?  I thought I did, but when it came right down to it, it was my own self-hatred that stopped me from going to see him.  So I excused myself from the table and left the dining room.  I couldn't see the look on her face because I refused to look at her.  But as I closed the door to my room, I thought I could hear her heart break.  A surge of guilt flowed through me.  I briefly thought about going back out and apologizing to her, but instead crawled into my bed, faced the wall and turned on my SDAT. She tried so hard to be good to us, but we gave nothing back to her.  I thought that maybe there wasn't anything wrong with her, and maybe there wasn't anything wrong with Asuka.  Maybe there was nothing with my father.  Maybe I was the defective one.  Misato tried to help me feel better, but I could come up with nothing but monosyllabic answers.  I had left Asuka out for the 15th, it was no wonder that she hated me.  Not only that, but I had taken advantage of her and kissed her that one night that we were alone.  Yeah, I thought, I was the monster.  So if all I did was hurt people, why did I continue to stay?  Why did I continue to look at an unfamiliar ceiling night after night, in a place that I didn't call home?  It was that same feeling that you get when you're on vacation and lying there on the hotel bed, not being able to sleep no matter how comfy the bed is because in your mind, it is not your bed.

                I thought about that incident as I lay in bed listening to my SDAT.  I was trying to block out the sound of Asuka's crying but for some reason, the sound overpowered the music I was listening to no matter how loud I turned up the volume.  It tapped something troubling in the back of my mind, a memory.  I was walking to the library one warm summer morning.  Since it was so nice out with the sounds of birds singing, I decided to go through the park.  As I passed by the benches, I thought I could hear the sound of someone crying.  My childish curiosity got the better of me and I traced the sound to a tree.  As I crept around, I saw my friend curled up, her arms around her legs and her face buried in her knees.

                "Why are you crying?"  I asked, worried about her.  But she didn't move.

                "Are you okay?"  I asked, as I sat down next to her.  She continued to cry.  I bit my lip and looked at the ground, uncertain as to what to do.  The best thing that I could think of was placing my hand on to her shoulder, but as I did so she winced and sharply looked up at me, fear in her eyes.  But the fear soon gave way to relief.  I noticed the black and blue swelling on her cheek.

                "Shinji."  She cried and turned her face away.

                "Are you sad?"  I asked, still uncertain.  I thought I saw her nod.  "Why?"

                "My mommy left."  She said between sobs.  My heart began to race as the memories of my loss resurfaced, but I was not unfeeling toward her, so I scooted closer.  She moved away.

                "Ah…" I began and scratched the back of my head, unsure if I could help her.  I wanted to, but I was afraid that I might somehow make it worse.  And more than that, I was scared to death.  Before then, I had never seen her cry.  "I…don't have a mommy too."  She paused briefly to look at me, and I looked up from the ground just long enough to make eye contact.  I supposed that was enough, because before my young mind knew what was happening, I was holding her and crying with her.

                Then Asuka's crying began to die down.  I realized that I was turning down my SDAT player so I might better hear her.  When it went completely silent, I turned off my SDAT and stood up.  I walked over to her room and stood in front of her door, fist up, ready to knock ever so softly before asking permission to enter.  Then I thought, maybe it would be best if I didn't knock, and maybe I should just enter.  But how would she feel?  Would she react with anger?  Or would she just act like she had been for the past few days, uncaring and lifeless.  I rested my forehead against the door, hoping that maybe I would be spared the hardest part of my task by just going through the door.  No such luck.  So I lowered my arm and stood there.  I pictured her alone, hurt and too exhausted to cry anymore.  I saw her laying on the sheets of her bed, curled into a fetal position, her eyes shut tight trying to block out whatever it was that was hurting her.  I saw her shiver slightly from some unseen breeze.  Her red hair dulled, her skin paled.  And I saw myself standing in the doorway, looking at her, wanting to walk over to her, wanting to put my arms around her so that she wouldn't be so cold, wanting to help her forget everything that the angel made her remember.  But I stood with my forehead against her bedroom door, my arms limp at my sides and blood dripping from my chin as I bit down on my lower lip.  I'd probably only end up hurting her.

                I heard her sob and I straightened myself out, wiping my eyes before once again letting them fall to the floor.  I trudged slowly toward the bathroom.  I felt the worst that I had ever felt in my life.  It was almost like there was a large hole in me, right where my heart should be.  There was no blood flowing through my veins as I sat on the edge of the bath.  Without a spine to support it, my head hung low.  I lifted my hands and let my fingers comb through my hair as I desperately fought back tears.  My fingers interlocked through my hair and I sat there, stifling sobs.  I thought about Misato and Asuka, and how I had been recently treating them.  My lack of willpower and fortitude made me sick to my stomach.  Then it hit me like a bullet.  I rushed over the toilet, tripping and stumbling.  I barely made it.

                After I rinsed out my mouth, I splashed several handfuls of water on my face.  I remained bent over the sink, wondering what I would do, wondering if I should go back to Asuka's room and at least talk to her.  But what would I say?  What would she say back to me?  She would probably push me away again, then what?  I hated to see her hurt that way, it simply wasn't right.  Her childhood had been so hard, she deserved better than endless suffering that Eva caused.  How do you keep holding onto something like that?  What did she think she did to deserve nightmares, tears and endless anguish?  I remembered a line from a movie I saw once, and it kept repeating itself over and over in my head.  They were the words that I so badly wanted to tell her to comfort her, to convince her that she didn't need to suffer.  '_It's not your fault.  It's not your fault._'  I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror.

*******

                I shouldered my backpack and headed down the gray sidewalk.  I didn't look back.  Just like last time, I left my cell phone on my desk.  However, that time I took my NERV ID, I would need that.  After I left the bathroom, I made a decision.  I wouldn't pilot Eva until I set myself straight.  That would mean getting certain things done.  One, I needed to set things straight between Toji and myself.  Two, I would have to find a real reason to pilot.  Three, I would have to work up the courage to help Asuka.  

                The night was very nice.  It was pleasantly warm with a slight breeze that blew by every now and then.  The clouds in the sky drifted by, and the moon peeked out from behind them.  The streets were silent, the only sound other than the breeze being the soft thuds of my sneakers on the sidewalk concrete.  

                I don't remember how that day ended, but I remember that I didn't go to the library.  I remember that I cried the hardest I had ever cried since my father abandoned me, and she cried even harder.  We stayed that way for a long time, long after our crying had been reduced to mere whimpers and sniffles.  I knew why she was crying, what confused me was why I started to cry.

                And was a little girl crying?  My mind came back from wherever it had been as my ears picked up the sounds of distant sobbing.  The sound was distinct since silence was the language of the night.  I began to follow the sound, curiosity taking hold of me.  I came to an alley between a couple of apartment buildings, and I determined that that was where the crying was coming from.  Then I noticed the enlarged shadow of what could have been a little girl.  It seemed that she was hunched over or something.

                "Hello?"  I called out, and then the crying stopped.  "Are you okay?"  Still nothing.  I ventured hesitantly down the alley keeping an eye open for a little child, but I saw nothing.

*******

                I stood uncertainly over the sleeping Doctor Akagi.  I realized how late at night it was and I really didn't want to wake her, but there was still this overpowering feeling that I had something to fulfill.  I could only get so far with a pilot's ID.  You might think that being who we were, we could get anything that we wanted, but no, even if we were saving the world, all we equated to were soldiers.  Sometimes we were even treated as less than soldiers, as mere children.  But what could we do?  We were forced to mature at an early age, our youth abandoned. Doctor Akagi used to tell us that we weren't normal children, we were pilots.  Yet at the same time, all we ever were to her were children.  

                I stood uncertainly over the sleeping Doctor Akagi.  Her bleach blonde hair slightly mussed up and her brow furrowed, as if she were having troubled thoughts.  I considered just leaving her be.  I thought about just abandoning the little excursion of fulfillment.  Besides, who did I think I was kidding?  I didn't have the spirit to go through with my little plan.  Maybe if I had actually turned around and left her be, a lot of angst and grief would've been avoided.  But as it happened, I reached over and gently shook her awake.

                "What?"  She asked curiously as she groaned and lifted her head from her desk, knocking over one of her cat figurines in the process.  I was at a loss of words and my heart began to beat a mile a minute.  It felt as though I could have a heart attack at any minute.  "Shinji?"  I stood motionless.  "What are you doing here?"

                "I…" It was a start. 

                "What time is it?"  She asked more to herself as she picked up her kitty shaped desk clock.  "One fucking thirty in the morning."  She rubbed her eyes and stretched.

                "I…" Couldn't find the words.

                "And shouldn't you be in bed?"  She stretched and began to massage her sinuses.  "Are you just gonna stand there?"

                "I…" Heart racing, breath short.  "Shouldn't have come."  And I began to back out of the room, now too cluttered and confined for my comfort.

                "Well, I'm awake now.  So what do you want?"  She asked irritably.  I froze at the look she gave me.

                "Well…I…I…wanted to see how Toji and his sister were doing."  I stared the floor, shuffling my feet.  Well, part one was done.  I thought that maybe if I had worked up the courage to wake and ask her for that favor, maybe I'd actually be able to face Toji.

                "At one thirty in the goddamn morning?  What the hell is wrong with you?"  I briefly made eye contact with her.

                "S-sorry.  I didn't mean to…I…I'll go now."  My brittle resolve crumbled at her tone, and I turned and began to leave as quickly and discreetly as I could.

                "Shin…?  Shit…Shinji wait.  I'm sorry."  I paused, but didn't turn around and face her.  "It's just that I've been working all day and I'm tired."  I could tell that she wasn't used to apologizing.  "I have the Suzuhara status reports somewhere around here, it'll just be a minute."

                "Actually…" I turned.  "Actually, I was…that is, if it's not too much trouble…if I could see him…and his sister?"  She gave me a surprised look and I avoided her gaze.

                "You do?"  Her question sounded like it was halfway between wonder and irritation.  "Not only is the ward closed to visitors, but I think that they'd be asleep, don't you?"  That patronizing tone again.  I would've been angry, but I was too nervous and weak and express anything about it.

                "Yeah…I know."  There was an awkward silence between us.  I glanced up to see if I could tell the expression on her face, but it was so quick that I couldn't see straight.

                "Let me get my things."

                "Thank you."  I left the room quickly and let out a sigh of relief as I entered the hallway.

*******

                "This is Toji's room."  I stared at the door handle, my hands clenched and unclenched, palms sweating.  The chrome of the handle glared angrily at me, accusing me of hurting the patient that resided within.  I looked up to peer through the window in the door.  The room was semi darkened with a night-light emitting a soft orange glow.  But I saw Toji just fine.  His form was outlined perfectly by silken electricity, every inch of his now softened features, every deformity caused by my wrong choice.  I had to turn away.  "You didn't wake me up for nothing, did you?"  There was no irritation or edge in her voice, only sad curiosity.

                "I…I…" I swallowed the words of cowardice.  "I'm just…working up to it."  I finally managed to say.

                "As long as I'm here, I have some work I need to do.  I'll come back in about thirty minutes?"

                "An hour."  I said.  It would take at least that long to force myself to move from my position against the door.

                "Okay.  I'll be back in an hour.  Aiko's room is down the hall."  And then she did something that I found very odd.  She touched me.  Ever so lightly on my shoulder, it felt more like a warm passing breeze.  And then there was the sound of her receding footsteps.

                I placed my hand against my chest, feeling my heartbeat, trying to calm myself.  I glanced back through the window before feeling that familiar feeling of anxiety.  No matter how many people told me that there was no other way for it to end, I still felt that it was my fault.  He was one of my first acquaintances, perhaps even a friend, and I had been in the Eva when his entry plug was crushed, cruelly and deliberately.  Misato told me over and over again, that the dummy plug had been activated and I had no control, but she didn't know.  How could she know?  How could she know that maybe if I had taken down the 13th by myself, I could've saved Toji?  If I were in control, then I wouldn't have held the entry plug in my hand, every second an eternity as I wrenched on the controls, waiting for the inevitable.  If I had been stronger, I could've saved him.  If I had been stronger, I could've saved Asuka.  If I had been stronger, I could've saved Aiko.  I felt as though I might suffocate.  All of a sudden the air was no longer breathable to me, the sterile hospital smell became nauseating.  The obnoxiously white fluorescent lights assailed my vision, blinding me.  I was overcome with dizziness.  Then my legs gave way, and I slid to the floor.  The halls were empty, and the night staff were no where to be found.  I don't know how long I lay there, vision cloudy, numb to the touch and every sound muffled with the exception of my heartbeat, which had become hundreds of decibels louder.  Then one sound broke through.  I heard a little girl crying.

                My heart quieted and senses returned.  I slowly lifted myself up, everything else forgotten. The sound mesmerized me.  Had I heard it somewhere before?  I took a few wobbly steps, regaining my balance.  I began to walk down the hall and the sound of crying began to grow steadily louder.  I finally found myself in front of a door.  The crying was definitely coming from inside the room.  I placed my hand on the door handle, slowly twisting it until the door opened with a soft click.  The sound tore me up inside.  It sounded so…so sad.  No one should be that sad, and especially not a child.  I swung the door open.

                The only sound that greeted me was the deep heavy breaths of the patient.  The room was completely dark.  I tentatively stepped into the room, closing it softly behind me.  Where had the crying gone?  I looked around the room for a child maybe curled up and scared in a dark corner of the room.  The only child that I found was the little girl lying in bed.  I edged closer to her bed, not wanting to wake her, but humoring the idea that perhaps it was her that had been crying.  Maybe she had been crying in her sleep.  When I got close, I needed to wait for my eyes to adjust to the darkness, but when it eventually did, I felt as though I might cry.  There were no tears on the little girl's face.  As she brought an arm up to wipe the sleep from her eyes, I saw a scar running down the length of her arm.  Who had done that to her?  What had happened?  I once again felt my knees begin to give, and I dropped into the guest seat next to her bed in shock.  Then she began to stir.  Her small form tossed and turned for a little while before she slowly brought herself to a sitting position.  

                "Huh?"  She began and yawned.  "Who are you?"  She asked tiredly.  So trusting.

                "Just…a visitor."  I replied and gave a shaky smile.

                "Visitors aren't allowed in at night, are they?"

                "No."  One of her eyes shone in the darkness, the other… 

                "You look familiar."  One eye was a beautiful, dark, root beer brown.  The other was milk white.  "Are you crying?"

                "No."  I said again.  She didn't even bother to ask why I was there if visiting hours were closed.  Then her eyes widened.

                "I know who you are!"  She said in loud whisper of awe.  "You're…you're…Ikari!  One of the pilots!"  She could have lit up the entire room with that smile.  I couldn't help but smile as well.  "I can't believe you're actually here."

                "I didn't know I was that famous."  I said and leaned forward, life slowly returning to me.

                "My brother talks about you all the time."  She chuckled.  Chuckle?  I thought children giggled, or laughed.  "Everyone talks about you."

                "I'm…flattered."  I responded, momentarily flustered at the little girl's demeanor.

                "You're so brave and strong to be doing what you're doing."  The way that she looked at me…in quiet admiration…gave me pause.

                "I'm…really not so great."  I cast my eyes to the floor.

                "Of course you are."  She sounded almost surprised.  "But I thought you'd be a little different."  A small smile made its way to my face as I remembered meeting Asuka for the first time.

                "Yeah.  I'm not exactly a knight in shining armor."  Both of us chuckled.

                "No.  I mean, for the savior of mankind," Another chuckle "You seem awfully sad."  My heart stopped.  "And lonely."

                "It's…a tough job."

                "I can't even imagine."

                "Yeah."

                "No matter what happens, and no matter what anyone tells you, you're doing okay.  Okay?"  Again, I smiled shakily.  "We're all still here right?"

                "Thanks."  And I finally was able to look up to her, though not without an incredible sense of grief washing over me.  It was all I could do to keep from bursting into tears.  There, in bed, was a little girl more mature than any other person I had ever seen.  She looked as though she were at an age where she could still be crawling into mom's and dad's bed at night after a nightmare.  Yet, she was the one comforting me.  It shouldn't be that way.  She shouldn't have to be the one to grow up.  "That means a lot to me."  A mother's smile.

                "So why are you here?"  She asked curiously.

                "Um…I thought I heard someone crying…"

                "What?"  She said and giggled.  There it was, hidden underneath all that forced maturity, the child.  "I mean, why are you at the hospital so late?"

                "Oh…s-sorry…" I could feel myself flush with embarrassment.  "I was…visiting…a friend."

                "Toji?"

                "How do you…?" And I trailed off, realizing who she was.  I suddenly felt cold and my skin tingled.

                "I'm Aiko, his sister?  Oh yeah, we never met."  She seemed to blush and laugh sheepishly.  "It's just that he talked about you so much when he visited, its almost like I've met you before."  My legs trembled as I stood up.  Before me was possibly the first soul I had hurt since I had started piloting that evil monster.  Her beauty marred by an ugly scar and the vision in one of her eyes lost.  And her youth…destroyed.  She was forced to grow up by an accident.

                "I…I'm s-sorry."  I began to back up, feeling sick to my stomach.  "S-so…so sorry…"

                "Ikari?"  She asked worriedly.

                "I-I-I…have to go."  I turned and ran out of the room.

                "Wait, Ika-!"  The door cut her voice off, and I heard nothing more than my own heavy panting.  I felt bad leaving her that way, but there was no way that I could've stayed in that room any longer.  The room had become suffocating, it had been a challenge to even breathe.  I sat down on the cold hospital floor, bracing my back against the wall as I caught my breath.

                "Shinji?  Are you okay?"  I hesitantly raised my eyes to see Doctor Akagi looking down upon me with raised eyebrows.  "You don't look very well.  Are you coming down with something?"

                I remained silent all the way to the examination room where she ran the usual checks.  Light in the eyes, open and say 'ah', breathe in for me, and breathe out.  It seemed that there was nothing out of the ordinary with me other than…

                "Result of sleep deprivation probably."  She was right on about that.  "When your body doesn't get enough rest, the immune system weakens.  You'll contract cold-like symptoms.  Are you having trouble sleeping?"

                "Kind of."  I said softly as I buttoned up my white shirt, not bothering to tuck it back in to my pants.

                "What's the problem?"

                "I don't know."

                "Just can't sleep?"

                "I guess so."

                "Well, try some herbal tea before going to bed.  That might help.  I don't think I need to tell you that the tea should be caffeine free?"  She finished her notes.  

                "No."  I slid off the examination table and straightened myself out, keeping my gaze to the floor.

                "So, did you do what you needed to do?"

                "What?"  I asked, not really paying attention to her.

                "Did you talk to Toji?  And Aiko?"  That patronizing tone again.

                "Yes."  I shouldered my backpack and walked out into the hall with Doctor Akagi close behind.

                "Feel better?"

                "Not really."  We began to walk down the halls toward the elevator.

                "You know, Shinji, you don't have to carry the world on your shoulders."  Easy for her to say, she wasn't piloting.  Besides, I thought our job was to carry the world on our shoulders and to make sure that nothing happened to it.

                "I'm sorry?"

                "I know what you're thinking, and that's not what I mean.  You're a soldier Shinji."  And there it was again, that soldier lecture.  "But you're still thinking like a child.  Sometimes you'll be forced to do things that you don't want to.  Sometimes people will get hurt, or even killed.  And sometimes those people may be nothing more than innocents.  In many cases good will have to be hurt in order for evil to be destroyed.  You see what I mean Shinji?"

                "I guess."  No, I didn't.

                "I know it'll sound contradictory to what I've been telling you about maturing but, you can't take responsibility for everything.  If you do, you'll only end up a wreck.  You'll end up looking like me."  I glanced up briefly and saw her pull a wry smile.

                "Yeah."  We were silent as we rode the elevator down.

                "I'll have section 2 give you a ride home."  She said as we got off.  "You know the way to the parking lot?"

                "I don't feel like going home."  I said softly as I rubbed the back of my head nervously.

                "You have school today don't you?"

                "Yes, but I don't feel like going."  I looked up at her, and I held some hope that she might let me stay as I saw her eyes soften.

                "I guess you can stick around.  I'm going to the cafeteria to get something to eat.  If you get tired, you know where the lab bedrooms are for the graveyard diggers.  Here's a key to an empty room.  You can sleep there.  I don't know what you want to do though, there isn't exactly a lot to do around here."

                "I know."  She nodded, I think maybe in understanding.

*******

                During the wee hours of that morning, I spent my time in the recreation room, watching the early morning television shows for insomniacs.  It wasn't really interesting, most of the movies were old black and white Godzilla and Gamera movies, but it beat the hell out of staring at the cold ceiling of the lab bedroom, all the while lying down on a thin, hard, uncomfortable cot.  Although I watched mainly to keep my mind occupied, I couldn't help but allow myself a bemused smirk as I related to the horror that the people of Tokyo supposedly felt.  Maybe the Angels were aliens from outer space.  Who knew?  I lost track of time and I guess you could say that I sort of zoned out.  I wasn't sleeping, yet I wasn't really conscious either.  I noticed the children in those movies had a lot of heart.  The world could be crumbling around them, a timer on a bomb slowly ticking down, and the children would still find a way to thwart the villain and escape with his life.  I finally realized the time when the seven o'clock morning news came on.

                I stood and stretched, getting out all the kinks in my back and my neck, and still feeling as stiff as a board.  Exhausted, but not sleepy and only slightly under the weather, I trudged out of the recreation room and toward the cafeteria.  Some hot ramen sounded really good to me at that point as hunger began to poke my stomach.  The large, nearly empty cafeteria greeted me with those obnoxious fluorescent lights, supposedly cleaner and more efficient but still irritating.  A few engineers sat alone reading papers, most of them middle aged.  I got myself the ramen that I craved and some hot tea as well.  I ate my food and drank my tea and was content for a little while.  Then the bridge techies came.

                All right, let me get something else straight, I have nothing against the bridge techies.  But their arrival in the cafeteria that morning was perhaps one of the last things I needed.  Maya, Makoto, Shigeru and a fourth, I think her name was Keiko, entered the cafeteria casually chatting about the usual inane nothings of everyday life.  The traffic on the way over was awful for this time of morning.  The train was so crowded.  The bus was thirty minutes late.  I woke up late so I didn't have breakfast.  You have any plans for this weekend?  If there is one thing that I have never been good at, and will probably never be good at, is inane chatter.  Call me anti-social if you wish, but I guess that's just that kind of person I am.  And their arrival in the cafeteria that particular morning got me to thinking about that part of me.

                Not that I never realized that before then, I mean, I knew from way back when that I wasn't a social kind of person, but with the type of mood that I was in just got me thinking about how different I was from everyone else.  I never really went out for social gatherings, with the exception of a few trips to the arcade with Toji and Kensuke.  I didn't date any girls.  I didn't watch all the popular TV shows.  I didn't watch anime or read manga.  I didn't even talk to my fellow band mates.  I know I'm not the only anti-social person out there, but the way it looked, I was even worse than the average depressed outcast.  I would bet that some of those outcasts would probably like to get attention and be part of the gang, but I didn't want that.  Why not?  Was there something wrong with me?  How could I pilot to protect people that I couldn't even relate to?

                The four bridge techies sat at the table adjacent to mine, but it was like they never noticed me.  I sat, looking at them, and I think they even cast a few glances in my direction but never really doing anything about it.  I didn't get anything, not even a question as to what I was doing there so early in the morning.  So now not only was I weak and an outcast, but I was an invisible man as well.  I thought, maybe I could just chalk that up under the larger anti-social category.  Eventually their chatter became too much for me, and I just thought 'fuck it.'  And I left the cafeteria.  So where else was there for me to go?  There were probably people in the recreation room, those just getting off the night shift, so I thought I should avoid that room.  I remembered that I had my SDAT player, so I went to the lab bedroom.  It was small, uncomfortable and unfamiliar, but at least I could stay to myself there.

                I turned the light off as I entered the room, and I plopped down onto the cot.  I began to rummage around in my bag for my SDAT player, but the minimal light conditions made it difficult.  I finally found it underneath my extra pair of pants.  I slipped the buds into my ears and I turned the player on letting the music soothe my mind.  It worked for a little while.  But as I said before, I was exhausted, not tired, so I couldn't sleep.  Instead I just lay there, letting thoughts and memories that I would sooner forget worm their way up into my conscious thought.  I felt my face flush red with shame as I remembered running out on Aiko.  What would she tell Toji about me?  Would she think that there was something wrong with her?  Would she tell Toji that a friend of his came to visit her, but not him?  How would he feel when he heard that?  It seemed that no matter how hard I tried to do the right thing, someone always ended up getting hurt.  And then I remembered Doctor Akagi lecturing me 'sometimes good must be hurt in order to destroy evil.'  What kind of bullshit was that?  What good was I doing if I was hurting the innocent?  If the Angels weren't destroying the city and hurting people, it was me.  And then she told me that I couldn't take responsibility for everything.  How could I not?  I was the one in the entry plug.  I was the one behind the wheel.  What if I was driving irresponsibly, and then I hit and killed someone by accident?  Aiko made more sense than her and she was less than half her age.

                I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes as I remembered the little girl in bed.  I had been responsible for her condition, and she probably knew that, and she felt no bitterness toward me.  If she did, she didn't show it…but no, I don't think that she's that sort of person.  Her eyes were too sincere.  I'd like to say that I can more or less, accurately tell if a person is sincere by looking in the their eyes.  Misato, despite all her faults, is sincere.  Asuka is sincere.  Rei is sincere.  Toji, Kensuke, Hikari…they are sincere.  Adults in general, I think, are more false than children are.  I'm not saying that there aren't false kids out there, I'm just saying that the tendency seems to be that the older people get, the more insincere they become.  And so she looked into my eyes with honesty, compassion and wisdom beyond her years she tells me that I'm a good person, and that I'm doing fine by her.

                I choked on a sob and turned over onto my side, rubbing the tears out of my eyes.  It had been a long time since I cried about anything.  I wasn't about to break that streak.

*******

                Sleep overcame me slowly.  I don't know when my reality ended and when my dream started, but let's just say I was lying on the cot.  The music had gone off, and had stayed off for quite some time.  My eyes were closed, and then I heard a giggle.  I turned over and sat up on the edge of the cot feeling confusion.  I opened my eyes and quickly shut them again from the bright fluorescent light that streamed through my door.  I tried to shade my eyes with my hands, but found that I needed to squint.  There was a small figure shadowed in the doorway.  It looked like the outline of a little girl.  And then she giggled and ran off.

                "Hey!  Wait!"  I called after her.  "Don't go running off, you could get lost!"  I quickly got up and ran into the light.  I found myself in the laboratory, everything sterile and void of any other life.  Then I caught sight of the trimmings of a blue dress go around the corner of a door.  I ran after her.  The sounds of her footsteps echoed through the halls as I gave chase.  Every so often, she would giggle playfully, almost mockingly.  I chased her throughout the halls of NERV, her footsteps getting farther and farther away as I tried harder and harder to catch up.  And then I lost her.  Her footsteps disappeared and her laughter gone, I sat down upon the cold floor, disheartened.  After catching my breath, I stood up and tried to get my bearings.  I found myself in the hospital.  Everything was off, everything was barren.

                I thought that maybe I would go see Toji.  Maybe it would make up for me being a coward earlier.  So I made my way through the halls and to Toji's room.  I looked through the little window in the door and him asleep on the bed with that little night light on.  I took a deep breath and I opened the door, except he wasn't in his bed.  It was empty, and neatly made as if no one had been in it at all.  I cautiously tip toed over to the bed, and gently let my fingers run across the surface to make sure that my eyes weren't deceiving me.  And then I heard it again, the crying.

                I quickly made my way out of the room, my mind completely off Toji.  I was overcome with grief as I heard her cry.  I began to slowly track the source of the crying and I finally came to a familiar room.  It was Aiko's room.  It was dark inside, but I could make out a figure sitting up in bed.  I thought, so it was her who had been crying.  And then I opened the door to go in and return the favor of comfort.

                I felt an intruding presence putting weight on the edge of my cot.  I looked over my shoulder to see who it was, but the only thing that registered was a blur of some figure in purple and red.

                "You scared the shit outta me you know that?"  It was only Misato.   I wondered how she had found me there.

                "What?"  I sat up and tried to rub some clarity back into my eyes.

                "Ritsuko told me why you came."  I sighed and slumped forward as I remembered as well.  "You don't think you could've waited for me to take you today?"  She laughed and ruffled my hair a bit.  I almost pulled away at her touch, but refrained.

                "I needed to get it done."

                "I guess it is about time."  She stood up and brushed her dress down a bit.  "Good for you.  Except next time, could you take your phone with you?  So I don't freak out?"  I looked up at her tired face as she held out my phone.  Her smile was soft, and the bags under her eyes made her look older than she was.  My gaze fell to the phone and rested on it momentarily before I gingerly reached forward and took it from her.  

                "Sorry."

                "Don't sweat it kiddo."  We remained silent for a little while as I put my SDAT and my phone away in my backpack.  "Hey, I'm gonna go grab some stuff from my office.  I'll be back in a jiff.  And hey, let's get some take out for dinner on the way home.  Sound good?"

                "Yeah, sure."  I tried to put some enthusiasm in to humor her, but it seemed to come out sounding strained.

                "We're all having a hard time.  We can stick it out."  She walked to the door before turning around.  "Be right back, don't move now."  She said jokingly as she grinned and winked at me.  I forced a chuckle and listened to her footsteps echo down the hall.

                As I sat waiting for her return, I wondered about the time.  I wondered, how long had I been asleep?  I reached back into my backpack to get my phone and check the time on it.  It read four in the afternoon.  I tried to figure out how long I had slept, and I came to a figure of having slept for at least eight hours, but for some odd reason I still felt tired.  So very tired.  I lay back down on the cot and closed my eyes, trying to remember if I had actually seen the little girl in my dreams.  I traced my path in my mind, memorizing all the glimpses of her that I could.  At least I knew that she wore a dark blue dress.  When I finally reached the part where I was in the hospital, a sudden realization came to me and I shot up from the cot.  What if Misato visited Toji?  She would certainly find out that I had not really gone to go see him and talk to him.  She had sounded so proud of me for facing him, but when she found out that I hadn't really…how would she feel?  Disappointed.  How could I face her?  How could I go back home?  How could I face Asuka if I couldn't even face Toji?  I couldn't, and that was that.  I turned off my phone before putting it away, then I shouldered my bag and I left NERV.

*******

                I had failed the first task that I had set out to do.  There was really no turning back at that point, trudging away from NERV.  I felt as though my other two goals had become pointless.  In order for me to continue with my life, I needed to reach all three of my goals.  But still…I continued with my other two goals in mind.  Maybe two out of three wasn't really so bad.  Maybe I'd be better for it.  As much as you'd think that I'd be able to let go of piloting easily, it still all came down to Asuka.  I couldn't stop thinking about her.  I couldn't pilot without a real purpose, but if I didn't pilot then she would get hurt.  Maybe that in itself should've been a reason, I don't know.  But it didn't feel like it would suffice.

                I walked along the streets, just another face in the crowd.  To everyone else, I was just another schoolboy.  To me, each face was a person that I had to save.  Each face was belonged to a person who could potentially be hurt or killed in the next attack.  I tried to guess how many more faces there would be if someone more competent had been chosen to pilot Eva.  How many people weren't walking the streets because of me?  How many of those lurking in the alley were put there by me, when I inadvertently destroyed their home in a battle?  What would these people think if they knew who I was?  Not necessarily what I was, sure, I might actually get some positive recognition if they knew that I was a pilot.  But what if they knew 'who' I was?  What would they think if they knew that their salvation lay in the hands of a troubled and cowardly boy?  I guess that's the reason why I always walked with my eyes to the ground.

                They moved by, talking on cell phones, eating, reading, listening to music.  They brushed by each other, they walked into each other, and every so often there was an apology, but nothing more than in passing.  Their pace seemed a hundred times faster than my own as they hurried home, hurried to the market, hurried to…to…wherever or whatever meeting or date that they had.  Even as the Angels became increasingly more dangerous, the people were still in too much of a rush to enjoy what little life that there might be left.  I guess that would be their defense mechanism.  Shut out and ignore the bad things in the world and maybe it would all go away.  I was envious of that privilege.  I wish I could so easily move about as they did, not worrying about anything.  I wish I could get up guiltless, look at myself in the mirror as I brushed my teeth, and watch the morning news without feeling anything for those who continue to suffer worldwide.  But why should I be so privileged?  What had I done that entitled me to that joy?  Why should I be content and happy when so many others are suffering and sad, especially if their grief was probably caused by me?

                I stopped in front of a convenience store and checked my wallet.  As I was doing so, I noticed an old golden retriever lying on the sidewalk just to the side of the door.  After noting that I had enough money to get something to eat, I walked over to the dog and kneeled down.  The dog didn't lift its head, but its tail started to wag.  It smelled, and it looked ancient.  Its muzzle had grayed considerably and its paws were crusted with filth.  But I smiled and scratched behind its ears.

                "Hey boy.  You okay?"  It didn't lift its head, but its tail continued to wag.  "You don't have a home, huh?"  I patted the dog on the head and gave it one last look before entering the store.  I grabbed a few bags of chips, a few bags of dried cuttlefish and a bottle of soda.  After paying for it, I stuck all of it in my backpack except for some of the dried cuttlefish, which I opened as I left the store.  I kneeled down next to the dog and we shared the snack.  I was smiling by the time it was gone and the dog was visibly happy.  A sort of warmth crept through me in passing, and I stood up crumpling the empty bag in my hand.  I shouldered my bag and took one last look at the ancient dog, its eyes gazing up at me as if hoping for a little more, and then I turned and continued my walk.

                After walking a bit of a ways, I stopped at a trashcan and discarded the empty snack bag.  I paused as I felt a presence near my side, and I looked down to find the old dog had followed me.  Its tail was wagging slowly and it continued to hopefully look up at me.  Then it nudged my hand with its nose.  I gently scratched its head and behind its ears, still unable to stop smiling.

                "C'mon boy."  I patted my leg and turned to walk on, the dog following closely behind.

*******

                The sky had turned orange and the clouds had turned strawberry as I walked up a slope at the outskirts of the city.  The old dog had a slight limp.  It didn't look too bad, but I had slowed my pace nonetheless to make the trip a little more agreeable for my companion.  I reached the top of the slope and started across the field.  The grass was painted the color of wheat by the setting sun, and a breeze blew by causing the trees and the tall grass to whisper a greeting.  I stopped for a moment to take in everything in front of me, then set out.

                I had enjoyed times like that in the past.  I remember that in my old town I would spend my weekends by myself in the fields, playing games with imaginary people and watching nature at its best moments.  I would bring a small lunch that my guardian would pack for me that morning and I would set out for the day.  One day I was lying out in the grass, listening to the sounds of the insects as the wind passed through.  My eyes were turned upward as I watched the colored clouds coast across the painted sky, and I thought to myself how I would've liked my friend to be there with me, to enjoy it as I did.  But unfortunately I couldn't go and get her on those days.  Once I had gone to her house to get her but when I got there, she told me that I couldn't come by her place or else her father would get mad.  So it had always been that she would come and find me during the day wherever I may have been.  It's funny now that I look back on it, but I didn't know much about my friend at all.  No specific likes or dislikes, but for some odd reason I positively knew that she would enjoy the sights as much as I did, if not more.  Then I felt the grass next to me part.  I looked over to see her lying down next to me, another black and blue mark on her cheek.

                "Hi."  She said and smiled at me.

                "Hi."  I responded and took a closer look at the black and blue mark.  "Are you okay?"

                "The sky's pretty."  She said and pointed up, ignoring my question altogether.

                "Yeah."  I responded.

                "Like cotton candy."  She giggled, and I giggled with her.

                "Yeah."  I responded.

                I let out a cry of surprise as I tripped on a rock and dropped to the ground.  I cursed softly and turned over into a sitting position, nursing my hands.  The dog sniffed me curiously as I tried to see how badly I skinned my hands.  I found them red, but not bleeding.  Then out of the corner of my eye I saw something dark blue take off in the tall grass.

                "Hey!"  I called out as I stood up as quickly as I could.  I traced the movement through the tall grass and I took off after it.  I could vaguely hear the old dog barking behind me, but I had been concentrating on girl in the dark blue dress.  My heart pounded and I my lungs burned in my chest as I ran as hard as I could, but somehow only managing to keep pace.  It darted between trees and bushes, and every so often I thought I could hear a giggle.  Then once again for a moment I was back in my old town, running through the grass and playing games.  Then I tripped.  I found myself tumbling headlong down a steep, dusty slope.  I cried out in pain as my limbs took further punishment for my chase.  I finally came to a halt on my back, staring up at the painted sky.  The world span as I had tumbled, but as I lay there it seemed to spin even faster.

                I don't know how long I lay unconscious, but I don't think it was that long.  Asuka stood in a tattered white T-shirt with small color stains on it.  She had a pensive look as she stared at the paper in front of her.  Her hair was tied back in a pony tail instead of having the usual neural interface units in it.  Short shorts that exposed most of her legs.  Blues, reds, yellows, greens, and many other colors dotted her face and arms like carnival themed freckles.

                "Water colors?"  I asked.

                "Shut up Third.  I'm concentrating."  I smiled and picked up the large glass of blackish-gray water and took to the kitchen to dump in the sink.  After refilling it I placed it back where I had been before.  She hadn't moved as she continued to study her painting of the setting sun.  I put the ear buds back into place and turned the music back on before retreating to my room.  I was smiling for the rest of the afternoon.

                "Shinji.  Shinji.  Hey Shinji."  The voice was muffled, and I felt something warm, wet and rough scratching the side of my face.  "Shinji.  Are you okay man?"  The voice became more familiar and I finally opened my eyes to a dark blue sky decorated with the very first stars of the night sky.

                "Kensuke?"  I said groggily as I slowly sat up, every muscle in my body protesting the movement.  I saw my friend kneeling down next to me in his BDU outfit, concern on his face.  The old dog was next to me, and nudged my arm to gain recognition.  I looked around and saw that I was in another field, but with shorter grass.  As I continued to survey my surroundings, I saw that it looked out across the city.  The last dying rays of setting sun peeked through the cracks between buildings.

                "You okay man?"  Kensuke asked again and placed a hand on my shoulder.

                "Yeah."  I said simply and slowly began to get up, my stiff muscles fighting me the entire way.

                "Here, lemme help ya."  He took one of my arms and hoisted me up.  I winced as a sharp pain shot down my spine, but it gradually began to fade.  "You look like shit man."

                "I feel like shit."  I replied and began to stretch some of the kinks out of my joints.  I looked around for my backpack, which had probably removed itself from my person during my fall.  I found it just at the foot of the slope's inclination.  I pulled a face as I dusted it off, finding one of the straps broken.  Everything inside it was surprisingly still intact.  My gaze traveled from the foot to peak in slight wonder.

                "You must've had one hell of a fall man."  He laughed and patted me on the back.  "What were you doing?  Walking around blindfolded?"

                "I was…" I began, and tried to remember what I had been doing.  "Looking for something."

                "You must've been looking really hard, not to be able to see that drop off."

                "Yeah."

                "I was looking for someplace to set up camp."  He said and as he began to lead me away.  "Then this dog came by barking and led me back to you."  I looked at the dog in surprise.  "That's a cool dog.  Right out of Lassie."  I couldn't help but laugh with him.  I reached down and scratched the dog behind its ears, its tail wagging appreciatively.  "My camp's just over there.  I don't have an extra sleeping bag with me, but you can have one of my MREs."

                "Thanks, but no thanks.  I have my own food."  The rest of the short walk was made in silence.  His camp was nicely situated.  It seemed that he was getting better about his little outings.  I could see his rucksack sitting over by his pitched tent.  A small fire burned at the center of the camp, the sound of the cherries crackling added to the atmosphere.  For a moment I was at peace as I took a seat near the fire and warmed myself as I noticed the night air slowly begin to drop in temperature.

                "So what been happening with you?  I haven't seen you around school lately."  He asked curiously as he took a seat across from me.

                "You know…things."  I said and shrugged, not wanting to revisit my home life.

                "Synch tests and the works right?"  He said and nodded.  "Yeah, you've been getting a lot of those lately eh?"

                "Well, we have to be prepared."  I said and smiled wanly.

                "Yeah, that helps."  He laughed and shook his head.  "Have you seen Toji recently?"  I grimaced at the question.

                "Yeah."

                "How's he doing?"

                "Good…good…" I didn't know how to tell him that I didn't have to guts to face Toji again.  "So how have you been doing?"  I asked to take the topic off of me.

                "Okay.  Its only Hikari and a few students left with us in the class, which is bad cause now there is more one on one time with the teacher.  Can't sleep in class anymore."  He laughed and so did I as I recalled the days of sleeping during lectures and sending messages through our notebook computers.  "Soon it won't even be that."  He said in a softer tone, looking thoughtfully at the fire.

                "Hmm?"

                "This is my last night out you know."  Kensuke said opening one of his MREs.  "My Dad and I are going to be moving out with the rest of the people.  Soon, it's just going to be the primary personnel living here."  I opened up my soda and a bag of jerky and began to eat.  "That means you."  He continued after getting no response from me.

                "Yeah."  I thought that maybe a simple response might shut him up about the matter, leaving me to enjoy being outdoors and with nature.  I was never lucky with anything in life.

                "You still have two more angels to fight too."  He snorted.  "We were here through the angel attacks so far."  I tried my best to ignore him, but to no avail.  "How am I supposed to get sufficient footage to make a documentary when I can't even film the rest of the Angels?"  It was mind boggling to me.  I couldn't understand why he would want to stay for the rest of the angel attacks.  If I could've helped it, I wouldn't have stuck around for the rest of the angel attacks, and at that moment I was seriously contemplating just leaving the city and never looking back.  Humanity be damned.  What kept drawing my gaze back toward the city though, was the thought of the all the children in world that would no longer have a childhood, would no longer have a life if I abandoned them.  I thought about Asuka being left to defend the city against the angels in the state that she was in.  I thought about the first time I saw Ayanami, lying on the stretcher, trying to get up to pilot because I wouldn't.  How could I leave them with that?  How could I leave them to suffer my burden?  "Are you listening to me?"

                "Maybe they're sending everyone away because the Angels are becoming more and more dangerous.  The last one nearly killed Asuka."  He sat in silence, poking the fire with a stick.  "Look at what happened to Toji."  I stared at the fire, absently scratching behind the old dog's ears.

                "Are you running away again?"  He asked timidly.  I didn't answer.  "I know it's your business if you are…" He trailed off.  I only continued to stare at the fire.  "It's not fair.  You don't even want to be here and I'm the one that has to get up and move."  He sulked.  We sat in an awkward silence for a while longer, neither of us really wanting to look at the other in the eyes, not really knowing what else to say.  "I'm turning in, do what you like."  He said and went into his tent.

                I sat in front of the fire until it burned out.  Then I continued to sit through the darkness.  A warm night breeze blew by, stirring up the embers, as I thought about what Kensuke had said.  He didn't know what he was talking about.  He said that he wanted to stay, he said that he wanted my job, but he didn't know anything.  He didn't know what responsibilities, what pains, what sorrows came with being an Eva pilot, but he wanted the status anyway.  He wanted glory for glory's sake.  He wanted to be a war hero like those he saw in the movies because he was still a child playing imaginary games out there in the field with a toy rifle.  I could lecture him, but he was still a child and he wouldn't understand that war is ugly, that the job is ugly.  He didn't know that you had to make sacrifices in order to save lives, sacrifices that you would have to live with for the rest of your life.  Guilt, remorse, suffering with the knowledge of  "could've"s, "would've"s and "should've"s.  He was only a child.

                Of course he thought that I was running away.  He automatically assumed the worst from me.  He didn't know that I wasn't running away, that I was actually searching for something.  But I knew what NERV would be searching for right about that moment.  By then Misato would've found out that I hadn't actually spoken to Toji, and had run out on Aiko.  She would've found out that I had run out on her again, and she would've come to the same conclusion that Kensuke did.  So Section 2 would be out looking for me.  Except that time, I knew better and I wasn't going to stick around one area long enough for them to catch up with me.  So I put my rubbish in my bag, stood and left Kensuke's camp.  

                I took one last envious look back at Kensuke's tent before setting out toward the city lights, the old dog ambling silently along side me.  From the field atop the hill, the vision of the city seemed surreal.  Everything glittered and sparkled, a close likeness of the stars above.  To me, it was a testament of man's will to survive.  Despite everything that the city had been through, it was still standing and still living.  For a moment I was filled with satisfaction.

*******

                I don't really remember how or how long it took me to get to that area of the city.  I don't really know why I had even headed in that direction when I reached the city again.  Maybe it was because it was familiar ground.  I had taken shelter in that part of the city when I had run away the first time.  I think…I think the reason why I had gone there the first time, was because I thought that nobody would really follow me into an area like that.  The key was to stay near the open street, away from the sidewalks and the alleys.  And if a car came by, then you moved out of the way.  I doubt that any person would really attack you if there were witnesses in a car going by.  

                The streets smelled like garbage, and I could feel the eyes of the derelict staring at me.  It didn't bother me at all.  Modern art decorated the walls of the buildings and old newspapers and magazines littered the sidewalks, skipping across the street whenever a warm breeze blew by.  More than half the scenery was cast in shadow.  There was no moon, the only friendly face hiding behind black clouds.  There were streetlights, but not many of them worked.  The only building lights came from down the street, the all night movie theatres.  The places that I guessed would serve as my shelter for the night.

                Despite that area being the seedy part of town, I saw no people whatsoever outside of the theatres that night.  I guess that's why the little girl caught my eye.  I stopped in my tracks.  The little girl had red hair, and wore a dark blue dress.  She walked back and forth in front of a theatre, every so often she would walk up to the glass doors and press her face against it to see inside.  I noticed she was wearing something around her neck that sparkled.  Intrigued, I began to walk toward her.  I couldn't help but feel I had seen her someplace before.

                "Excuse me."  I said timidly, but she didn't acknowledge, instead continuing to stare into the empty theatre lobby.  "Excuse me."  I said again.  She turned around and my breath caught in my throat.  She had red hair and one green eye.  The other eye was milk white.  Her dress looked like a school uniform, dark blue with some sowed on patches that were slightly off color.  The little sparkle that I had seen hanging from her neck was a gold ring.  "So…" I shook myself out of a daze.  "So…hey.  What are you doing out here all by yourself?"

                "I'm lost."  She said and turned in and continued to peer into the theatre lobby.  I moved closer to the doors and looked in as well.  The lobby from what I could tell, was completely empty.  The snack bar wasn't even open.  I got up and walked back toward the street, looking at the theatre's headline lights.  An all night showing theatre.  Curious as to why she would pick out this theatre out of any of the others on the strip, I walked back and looked inside the theatre again.  "I think they're inside."  Her voice startled me.  "They met for dinner.  She needed to take me along with her.  She didn't want him to see this…" She indicated the ring that hung around her neck.  "So she gave it to me to keep."

                "And they just left you?  To go see a movie?"  I was horrified that anyone would just leave their child out on the street, late at night without supervision.  

                "I don't know…I think so.  I think she forgot about me.  I don't know."  She sounded sad, hurt, disappointed.  The dog whimpered beside me.  I closed my mouth after realizing that it had been hanging open.  I almost didn't believe what I was hearing.  Standing up, thinking about the situation, I could feel an unfamiliar anger boiling up inside of me.

                "Well, first of all, here, let me take that."  I motioned at the ring around her neck.

                "This?  But she told me to keep it safe."  She said uncertainly fingering it with a frown on her face.

                "I promise that I'll give it back when we find her okay?  But you can't keep it safe like that.  Anyone can just come along and take it from you."

                "Promise you'll give it back?"  She said as she removed the chain with the ring on it from around her neck.

                "I promise."  I tried to smile in the most reassuring way that I could.  She seemed hesitant for a little while, holding the ring in her hand.  Then she smiled uncertainly at me and held it out.

                "You promised."  She said.  I put it away in my pocket, away from any prying eyes.

                "Come on, now let's go find them."  She nodded enthusiastically.  "I'm going to go get some tickets so we can get in, now stay here."  Again, she nodded.  I walked up to the teller and saw an elderly man sitting toward the back of the booth reading a magazine by lamplight.  After waiting for several minutes and receiving no acknowledgement, I rapped on the glass.  He eyes moved up slowly and peered at me through thick bottle lens glasses.  He took his time getting up and then ambling over to the front.

                "What can I do ya for, boy?"  He asked, sounding rather irritated.

                "Two tickets please."  I got out my wallet.

                "Two tickets?"  He asked.

                "Yes please."  He leaned forward and seemed to look up and down the sidewalk.

                "You waiting for somebody?"  He asked.

                "No…" I replied slowly, thinking that it might be some sort of strange trick question.

                "And you want two tickets?"  He asked again.

                "Yes."  I said impatiently, becoming eager to just go on into the auditorium and give the two that left the girl outside a piece of my mind.  Amusingly enough, even if I had found them, I don't know if I really would've been able to tell them off.  The old man raised his hands defensively at my hostile tone and rolled his eyes.

                "Right.  Two tickets.  That'll be a thousand."  I paid him.  "There's no usher.  Just head on into the auditorium."  He ambled back to his chair at the back of the booth and picked up his magazine.  I stood there for a little while, watching him, and then dismissed his odd behavior.  I walked back toward the girl and the dog, waiting near the doors.  She smiled at me as I got closer to her, and the dog stood up wagging its tail.  "Ready?"  She nodded in response.  I kneeled down and ruffled the dogs fur.  I opened up my backpack and pulled out a bag of jerky and fed him some.  "Sorry boy.  You're going to have to stay here."  The dog whimpered and lay down.  "Sorry."  I said again and stood up.

                I felt bad leaving the dog outside in the cold.  After all, I didn't figure on coming out of the theatre until morning anyway.  I had already bought the ticket, and it was an all night movie theatre.  I definitely wasn't going to go back home, and I had no other place to go.  I thought that after I returned the girl, I would find a nice, quiet spot in the back of the theatre and get some sleep.  As I thought about sleep, I yawned and felt exhaustion overtake me.

                "Stay close."  I said to the girl and walked into the auditorium.  More Godzilla movies.  I scanned the rows of seats and only saw a few people.  Most were sitting by themselves, but there was one couple in one of the back rows, near the wall.  I almost missed them in dark.  As I got closer however, I saw that they were way too young to have a child.  They probably weren't even a day over sixteen.

                I turned back to the girl to ask if she saw them anywhere in the theatre, and saw nothing.  I scanned the theatre over and over, but still nothing.  The little girl had disappeared.  I went back out into the lobby and saw no trace of her.  The dog hadn't moved from its spot by the doors and was sleeping.  The old man in the teller's booth sat with his back toward me, reading.  I went back into the auditorium and this time went row by row looking for the little girl.  I wondered, what could've happened to her?  Where could she have gone?  She had been right at my side, so I would've noticed if someone had come by taken her, though I highly doubted that scenario.  Besides, she had been so protective of the ring that she wouldn't have simply just left it.  I felt around in my pockets and found the chain with the gold ring.

                It seemed to glow in the dark.  I took one last look around the theatre and saw what I had seen when I first entered.  Might I have been going crazy?  Maybe she didn't really exist.  People didn't just disappear, after all.  But the ring was proof that she did exist.  She had given me the ring, and there it sat in the palm of my hand, as real as…as…anything else I suppose.  I sat a few rows behind the couple, not paying any attention to the movie and just staring at the ring on in my hand.  Upon closer inspection, I noticed a little inscription on the ring.  It read 'To H.C. with love.'  It was the most beautifully done ring I had ever seen.  So simple, yet so wonderfully radiant.  My reverie was disturbed by the sounds of the couple nearby.  Heavy panting and soft moans permeated the sounds of screams and explosions on screen as I noticed the two necking quite enthusiastically.  I sighed and felt slightly nauseous.  After pocketing the ring and chain, I tried to pay more attention to the movie, but without much success.  

                It wasn't long before I heard a soft zipping sound.  My gaze was drawn back toward the couple, I watched as the girl pulled her hair back behind her ears before lowering her head down, out of sight.  I felt sick to my stomach, so I stood up and shouldered my bag left the auditorium as quickly as I could without drawing attention to myself.  I stood in the lobby, taking deep breaths, trying to not puke, trying to get my bearings.  I began a very slow walk across the lobby toward the restrooms.

                Roaches shot off into the drainpipes as the fluorescent lights flickered on, well, the fluorescent lights that worked anyway.  I staggered over to stall and opened the door to see the area that the toilet had overflowed.  Soggy toilet paper and feces lay in puddles on the floor.  I made my way down the line until I got to the last stall.  That one seemed relatively clean.  Dirty limericks and crude pictures were inked onto the walls of the stall, probably with permanent markers.  I stood over the toilet staring into it, my mind all of a sudden trying to place where I had seen that little girl before.  The eyes…the dress…the hair…I had taken her into the auditorium with me and was near me the entire time.  When had I lost track of her?  I had lost track of her when…I had seen the young couple…the young couple…not a day over sixteen…

                I wiped my mouth on the sleeve of my white shirt, leaving a stain.  My throat burned and I tried to make the feeling go away by swallowing my own saliva, but that only seemed to make it worse.  The rancid smell stung my nostrils.  I slowly stood up, trying to keep my balance.  I staggered out of the bathroom, clutching my still turning stomach.  I don't think I have ever felt so fucking awful…at least up to that point in my life.  I couldn't see straight, I felt sick, I had no sense of balance, I swear I thought I was seeing and hearing things.  What I wouldn't give to go back to the apartment…to go home.  But could I?  Could I face Misato after that day?  Could I face Asuka again?  Could I be strong enough for her if I wasn't even strong enough to stand up for my friend?  I wished that I had strength like her.  How I wanted to hear her voice, hear the old Asuka.  Then a payphone caught my eye.  I remember thinking, a call home couldn't hurt, could it?  If I couldn't talk to her face to face, maybe I could say what I wanted to say to her over the phone.

                I picked up the phone and slid my card through the slot.  I was about to dial when my hand froze inches from the first digit.  I was barely aware of my ragged breathing.  My thoughts were on Asuka…and all the 'what ifs'.  What if Misato picked up the phone instead?  What if Asuka didn't want to talk to me?  What if I suddenly forgot what I wanted to say?  What if I only made it worse?  My mouth became dry and the phone became to heavy to hold.  I felt a burning rise in my throat as I remembered standing in front of the door to Asuka's bedroom.  I had the chance then to help her…but I couldn't even walk through the door.  The phone fell from my hand and I rushed back into the restroom.  The stalls seemed miles away, so I headed for the sinks instead.

                After the retching and heaving seemed to cease, I leaned on the edges of the sink, catching my breath.  I tried to spit out the foul, sour tasting bile.  I turned on the water and let it run for a little while before rinsing out my mouth.  I splashed water on my face, trying to get a hold of my senses, something that I seemed to have lost a while before.  I pressed the knob for the soap dispenser, but no soap came out.  I continued to press it with increasing frustration until I lost it and hit the dispenser with the flat of my hand.  I groaned with frustration, exhaustion, anger and confusion.  I covered my face with my hands and tried to think of some way to get rid of the feeling of despair that coursed through me.  I peeked through the spaces between my fingers and saw someone looking back at me.

                My hands slowly dropped away from my face as I studied the person in front of me.  Dirty, scruffy looking, pale with dark rings around his bloodshot eyes, making him seem more like the living dead rather than a person.  Then I made eye contact.  I looked into his eyes and saw inside of him.  I saw ugliness.  I saw impurity.  I saw cowardice.  I saw selfishness.  I saw weakness and fear.  I saw someone who harmed and killed innocents.  I felt a burning rage and fury.  For a moment I saw nothing…and then red.  Blood dripped from my fist, and glass fell to the floor.  I gritted my teeth and clenched my fist tighter, blood continuing to drop onto mirror shards upon the dirty floor.  I stumbled backwards, stopping when my back hit the wall.  I slid down to the floor looking at the mess of glass, blood and filth.

                Then I felt the searing pain in my hand.  I stared at my mangled knuckles and began to unbutton my white shirt.  I tried to staunch the bleeding with it, but realized that I couldn't walk around the city clutching a bloody shirt to my hand.  I reached over and grabbed the backpack that I dropped upon entering the restroom.  I gingerly opened it up, favoring my injured hand.  I rummaged around with my left hand until I found an extra pair of shin high socks.  I wrapped both around my hand and tied them tightly together.  I growled in pain as I pulled them together as tightly as I could.  I picked up my bloody shirt and was about to stuff it into my backpack when I thought better of it.  I tossed it into the stall with the soggy toilet paper and feces.  I examined my half-assed bandage work before shouldering my bag and heading out the restroom and back to the auditorium.  As I passed by the teller's booth, I noticed that the old man had fallen asleep.  All the better for me, since he didn't seem to have heard my ruckus in the restroom.

                I took the seat that I had left and noticed that the couple was no longer in front of me, or anywhere else in the auditorium for that matter.  The screen's light was almost blinding as the black and white movie continued.  I heard a light snoring beside me on the couch.  Asuka had fallen asleep, her head propped up by her arm.  I turned off the TV plunging the room into semi-darkness, the moonlight through the balcony door casting a silken sheet on the living room.  I picked up the empty glasses and soda cans and took them into the kitchen.  After disposing of them, then went into the hall closet and pulled out a spare blanket.  I looked over her as she slept peacefully, without nightmares or pain.  As she should.  I draped the blanket over her gently tucked it under her arms before heading to bed.

                I…can't really remember feeling anything but exhaustion.  I couldn't think, I couldn't move.  So my eyelids slowly began to fall.  I don't remember falling asleep

*******

                "Do you have it?"  She asked softly.  I opened my eyes and I saw the little girl standing in the aisle at the end of the row.  At first, I didn't recognize her.  She was completely covered in soot, from head to toe.  I realized it was she when I saw her eyes.  "Do you have it?"  She asked again.

                "Yeah, do you need it…" I trailed off as I pulled the ring out of my pocket.  I became mesmerized by the ring.  I didn't want to give it back to her, but at the same time I didn't want to keep it.  "Did you find them?"  I asked.

                "I don't need it back now."  She said, ignoring my question.  "But I'll come back and get it.  Remember, you promised."  She said and then she turned and ran off.

                "Wait!"  I called out and began to move down the aisle.  "Don't off on your own!  It's dangerous!"  I finally got out of the aisle and rushed out of the theatre after her.  I looked urgently around the lobby.  The old man was no longer in the teller's booth, but there was a young man in an old fashioned usher's uniform behind the snack bar.  He was leaning over a composition notebook, writing.  "Hey, um…"  I looked at his name tag.  "William, did you see a little girl go through here?"  He was painstakingly slow as his gaze slowly rose to meet mine.

                "She went outside."  He said and he looked back to his composition notebook.

                "Thanks."  I said and turned and ran toward the front doors.  As I neared the door, I saw something very peculiar across the street.  It was a Merry Go Round, and the little girl still black with soot was standing in line for the next ride.

                "You might want to watch that first step though.  It's a doozey."  William called after me as I opened the glass door…and plummeted.  Everything was gone.  Only blackness greeted me as I fell headlong down a chasm of unknown depths.  A sudden cold fear shot through me causing my palms to sweat.  I was afraid, but what was odd was that I wasn't afraid of when I was going to hit ground.  I was afraid of the darkness around me, of being alone, of not being able to see the ground.  Hundreds of thoughts ran through my head, hundreds of voices and images.  Then I thought, if only I had called Asuka…

                "Hey kid.  This ain't a motel you know.  Get the hell up."  I was yanked to my feet and stood, groggily, face to face with the old man from the teller's booth.  "You bought two tickets, that means two shows.  That doesn't mean that you can curl up and sleep here for the night and bleed all over the goddamn seats.  Now get the fuck outta here before I call the cops."

                "Sorry."  I said absently and picked up my bag.  I hissed in pain as I grabbed it with my injured hand, suddenly remembering about the restroom incident the night before.  My thoughts were that it would be best if I left before he could tear into me about that.  Or maybe before he found out about it, and then really called the cops.  I left the theatre as quickly as I could, feeling the old man's glare boring holes in my back.

                I squinted as sunlight assailed my eyes.  I felt something wet touch my hand and I looked down to see the ancient dog beside me, wagging its tail furiously.  Such friendship and loyalty, even from an animal warmed my heart and forced me to smile, even in the mood and state that I was in.  Remembering the man from the teller's booth, I felt for the ring in my pocket.  Found that it was still there, I called the dog to follow and quickly made my way down the street.

*******

                Anxiety burned my face and my hands.  It felt like an electrical current was flowing through me.  I found myself afflicted with cottonmouth as I stared at the cell phone in front of me.  I had forgotten about it the night before when I had wanted to call Asuka.  I suddenly found myself wanting to call her again, even if to only hear her voice.  I don't know why I felt that way, as if she were some form of comfort.  I fondly looked back on the days when she and I first met.  I couldn't stand her when she first came to live with Misato and I, but then I got used to her.  Now…

                I turned the cell phone on.  The first thing that it did was alert me that I had some new voicemail.  It was no hard task trying to figure out who left them.  The last thing that I needed was to hear Misato, so I ignored the messages.  I began to scroll through my contacts, all the writing in the seemed illegible to me.  They came out blurred and sometimes the characters seemed incomplete.  I was so damn tired.  I wondered, if it were possible to get a night's sleep and wake up even more tired than before.  I finally found home, and I hit the dial button.

                It rang once.  All of a sudden I became aware that Misato could be home.  Maybe she didn't have work that day.  My heart began to race as I tried to remember her schedule for the week.  Maybe she was home, maybe she wasn't.  What if she picked up the phone instead of Asuka?  It rang twice.  What would I say if Asuka was the one who picked up?  I was suddenly faced with the same dilemma as the night before.  What would I say?  What would she say?  I hung up.

                I felt queasy and took a seat on the curb.  I stared at the cell phone in my hands and then pocketed it.  The dog began to sniff my ear and I pulled away, not wanting to be bothered.  The dog whimpered beside me and sat down.  For a moment I pang of guilt for perhaps hurting the dog's feelings…did dogs have feelings?  I sighed and began to scratch behind the dog's ears to make up for my wrong.  After all, how could I expect a dog to understand how I felt?

                The businesses on the street slowly began to come to life as I continued to sit.  People walked by without saying anything, without so much as a glance to poor, shabby looking boy sitting curbside.  Was that how I was going to grow up?  To become just like them?  The business across the street, a low end TV and video store, opened.  The glass displays facing the street were lined with cheap TV sets and they all buzzed to life.  Each TV seemed to have a different kind of show playing.  Soap Operas, animes, violent movies, news, and even porno ads.  I spat on the ground in disgust as I stood up and began walking down the street, looking for someplace to have breakfast.

                Those TV's reminded me of everything that I hated about the world.  War, rape, murder, and political scandals always made headline news.  Shows aimed at teenagers had characters that had open sex with those they were attracted to.  In movies the main characters of the opposite gender could fall in lust and fuck each other after knowing each other for all of two minutes and have no chemistry to boot.  Little girls were becoming pregnant at ages as young as twelve or thirteen.  More than fifty percent of marriages ended in divorce.  How could I risk my life and fight for a world that I hated?  How could they expect me to pilot and endure endless pains and sufferings for a society that I wanted no part of?  Was there something wrong with me because of that?

                I finally found a breakfast diner, but all of a sudden I wasn't very hungry.  I felt as though if I ate something, it wouldn't be very long before it removed itself from my stomach.  So what could I do?  I felt even worse than when I had left the apartment and I had no idea as to what I was going to do next.  Already I realized that if I were to try and complete my goals by myself, I would probably never get to go back.  That only meant that I would have to get help.  But who could I go to that could help me?  There was hardly anyone that I knew really well in school, or at least well enough to talk to about how I felt.  Even if there was, there was no real way for them to understand me.  Not even Kensuke understood what it was to be a pilot, to need a reason to pilot, and I could as easily call him a friend as I did Toji.  Suddenly, the thought of a person popped into my head.

                Rei Ayanami could understand me…maybe.  She was a fellow pilot after all, and even I recognized that she spoke to me more often than probably anyone else.  She was a bit strange, but I had accepted her for who she was, and if there was anyone who could understand, or even just listen, it would be her.

*******

                The clouds became darker and the wind began to pick up.  I could tell by the temperature and smell that it was going to be a warm rain.  The dog ambled alongside me, just plugging along.  My thoughts were nowhere and everywhere at once.  I kept hoping and praying that I would find some meaning while talking to Rei.  Other than her, I really had no other options.

                I knocked timidly at first and waited for several minutes, receiving no answer.  My heart sank into my stomach as disappointment began to take root.  Maybe she wasn't home…maybe that day was one of the days that she decided to go to school.  I knocked again.  If she weren't at school, where would she be?  Maybe she was at NERV, doing more tests for my father…I knocked again.  I waited for several more minutes, but nothing.  I breathed out a heavy sigh and wiped away the beginnings of tears in my eyes.  A sob began to work its way up, but I held it down.  Just as I was about to turn away, I heard a click from behind the door.  Then it slowly opened.

                "Ikari."  I smiled.  At least she was still the same.  I didn't think that Rei would ever change.  She was the one constant, static person that I knew and could rely on.

                "Ayanami…"  I couldn't get out anymore than that.  The rest seemed stuck somewhere between my mind and my voice.

                "Why are you here?"  Many people think that she is cold.  Was I the only one besides my father and Doctor Akagi that realized that she wasn't cold?  She had just never been taught how to interact.  Socializing wasn't a strong point of hers, as it wasn't a strong point of mine.

                "I…I wanted…to talk."  I began to feeling my face heat up.

                "Shouldn't you be in school?"

                "Um…yeah…I guess so…but I didn't feel like going."  She stood there, unmoving.  It didn't bother me too much though.  It was something that I had come to expect.  Her eyes moved down.

                "How long have you been here?"  She asked, her eyes upon the ground.

                "I…I…I don't know."  I replied and scratched the back of my head.

                "Your hand."  She said and pointed.  I looked down, suddenly aware of the aching throb coming from my right hand.  "You are hurt."  She said…with concern?  Then my eyes widened.  A small puddle of blood had formed near my feet, and blood continued to drip.

                "It…it's nothing."  I said lamely, feeling a blush begin to creep up onto my cheeks.

                "You look unwell."  Her brow furrowed.

                "I…"  I was starting to become uncomfortable.

                "Would you like to come inside?"  She finally asked after a few awkward moments.  

                "I…I don't mean to impose…"  I shuffled my feet, feeling a sort of burn in my face, not wanting to look directly at her.  There was something about her that I was no longer familiar with.  When she didn't answer, I looked up and saw that she had stepped to the side, and was probably already expecting me to enter.  "Thank you.  C'mon boy…I mean…do you mind, Ayanami?"  I asked, indicating the dog.  Once again her brow furrowed 

                "I have already stated that you are welcome."  I began to feel a little more than uneasy.  I thought that she was acting a little odder than usual.  I entered her apartment to find that what I had once seen as a messy and out of order domicile was clean and looking much more habitable.  Her bed was neatly made, the sheets with creases, white as snow.  On her bed stand, there was a digital alarm clock.  A.M., P.M., hours, minutes and seconds, all red and counting up to next day.  A half filled glass of water stood next to it, the only thing out of place.  I detected hint of pine sol.

                "This is…nice."  I said timidly, waiting for her to cue me to do something…anything but stand in the middle of the dead room.

                "Would you like some tea?"  She asked as she went into her open kitchen.

                "If it wouldn't be too much trouble."  No response.  Only the faint clinks and clatters of small plates and cups being moved around.  I breathed a heavy sigh, feeling extremely restless.  I noticed that the dog had lain down at the foot of the bed, resting its head on its paws.  I felt a light breeze, and I looked up to see the ceiling fan turning at a mesmerizing slow pace.  The sound of the rotors turning became louder than jet engines.  It became overpowering, overwhelming and the light that reflected off of them became blinding.  I became dizzy and I closed my eyes, feeling like I was going to collapse.  Then soft music overpowered it all.  I remember asking myself, when had Ayanami gotten a radio?  The song wasn't even Japanese…but I had heard it somewhere before.

                "We should probably tend to your wound."  She was back in the room again.

                "Oh…uh…"  I saw that I was dripping blood onto her floor.  "S-s-sorry.  I didn't mean to…"  I began to try and catch the droplets of blood in my good hand.  

                "It is not a problem."  She said and turned.  "Please follow me into the bathroom.  It would be more convenient to properly dress your wound there."  The song continued as I hobbled after her into the bathroom.  

                The fluorescent light in her bathroom reminded me of the hospital and the theatre restroom…bathed in a sick artificial glow.  I was aware of how much worse the wound was than I thought when I tried to remove the socks.  They were bright red, heavy and swollen with blood.  It was too painful to even consider trying to remove it by hand.  Ayanami had to get a pair of scissors and gently slide them between my palm and the bleeding socks. When she managed to remove them, they were discarded into the bath tub.

                My knuckles looked awful.  The skin was parted in many areas and my entire hand was stained red.  It hurt to even move my fingers.  Hot water seemed to run from the faucet in slow motion.  Droplets moved independently of each other in a cascading ensemble.  Pain shot through the length of my arm like a razor as the water then the soap was applied.  But I didn't cry.  I didn't even yell or whimper in pain.  I felt like I was removed from my body and watching from someplace else as I sat motionless, watching Ayanami try and wipe the blood clean.  The wound was clean, but the red stains didn't seem to want to go away.

                Her touch was almost heavenly.  The way she held my wrist, so gently.  Her skin was pale as pale as winter, but felt as warm as spring.  All the unease that I had felt for weeks left me.  The sting of the antibiotics being applied by a q-tip, was nothing.  I kept waiting for the smell of flowers.  I wondered briefly if Asuka's touch felt the same way.  I wondered what it would feel like if she touched my face.  Could the warmth sooth my thoughts as it did my pain?

                "You should go to a hospital."  She said finally as she placed the gauze upon my hand, then applying the bandages tightly.

                "I…don't want to."

                "I believe our tea is ready."  She stood up and left the bathroom.  I continued to sit though.  The feeling of her touch was a distant memory, one that I wanted to tap again.  So much so that I began to rub the spots that she had touched in some effort to keep the warmth there.  In defeat, I stood up and hobbled out of the bathroom.  I noticed the pain in my ankle slowly getting worse.  I didn't know where it came from, but I think it might have been sprained when I had taken my fall down that slope.

                Rei had take out a small portable table and had pulled its legs down, setting it down in an open area between her bed and the kitchen.  I heard a faint drumming, and I glanced at the small window above her bed and saw that it had begun to rain.  She brought out a tray with the pot of tea and two cups, and she set it on the table.

                "Please have a seat."  She sat on the floor and I slowly lowered myself onto the floor as well.  I had to shift my weight to one side to keep the pressure off of my bad ankle.

                "Thank you very much Ayanami."  I said as she poured me a cup of tea.  I stared as some leaf fragments swirled and died at the bottom of my cup.  I looked up to see her carefully sipping from her cup.  "So…um…why aren't you in school today?"

                "The commander is cutting down on the amount of time that I spend amongst others.  He said socialization is unnecessary and can even inhibit my judgment during missions.  I am studying at home independently."  She sipped again.

                "Oh…"  That sounded like something that my father would say.  I felt a bit envious of her.  She didn't have to deal with the same things that I had to everyday.  Because my father had brought her up for the job, she became emotionally attached to no one, so she felt no regret for what she did.  She had no real wants, and had just about everything that she needed.  If either Asuka or myself were to end up in the same situation as Touji, I don't doubt that she would be able to do what I was unable to.

                "So what is it that you wished to speak about?"  She asked, shaking me from my daze.

                "Huh?"

                "You said that you came here because you wished to speak to me."

                "Well…I…uh…I…"  I was all of a sudden faced with talking to her.  True, I had gone to her in the first place because I thought that she would be able to help me find a purpose to continue to pilot, but I felt like I needed to talk to her about so much more.  I forgot about how uncomfortable I was around her earlier, and I forgot about how I thought she seemed to be acting odd.  I became familiar with her again, and then it all sort of came out.  "Well…I…uh…I live with Asuka…oh yeah, I mean, of course you know I live with Asuka, but what I mean is…she's like…and I…"  I began to lose track of what I was saying.  I hadn't even remembered how I started out.  My hands were shaking and I could feel my face burning red with strain, nervousness and agitation.

                "Compose yourself Ikari."  She said firmly, grabbing my attention which had seemed to wander off and I had begun muttering to myself, trying to grasp what I was trying to say.

                "Ye…yeah…sorry."  Hands still trembling, I took a deep, determined breath and closed my eyes.  I rested my elbows on the table and interlocked my fingers in front of my face as a way of steadying them and regaining control of my nerves.  Even after that, my fingers remained twitching.

                "Better.  Continue."  She said and sipped at her tea.

                "Asuka…"  I felt like I was trying to speak with a grape fruit caught in my throat.  "Asuka…hasn't been doing very well."  I paused, expecting her to say that she was aware of Asuka's condition or something like that.  She only continued to look upon me.  "She's hurt…bad, you know?  I mean, it's not physical…I mean it's not a cut or a bruise, like my hand or my…"

                "I understand."  She said softly, cutting me off before I head off on a tangent.

                "Uh…yeah, so, it's not something like that, but it's still noticeable, you know?  Like, uh, you can see it in the way that she acts, in her eyes.  I can tell too, because she still cries about it at night you know.  It all started when…well, I can't say it started with the 15th, but I mean it resurfaced…but it could've also been the 14th…"

                "I understand."  She corrected me again.

                "And…I want to help her heal.  But…I don't know how to fix it.  It's not something as simple as putting a band aid on cut, or even as simple as removing something like a tumor from…from…a brain.  It's so much more than that.  I want to help her…but I don't know how.  I mean…I want…I want…"

                "It seems that you care much for Sohryu."  She said softly and looked away.  "It is admirable that you express such concern for her.  It is as you say though.  Fixing her mind is indescribably more complex than fixing physical damage.  However, I am uncertain as to why you would seek answers from me for this matter."  She set her cup down.  "Even I can recognize my own shortcoming.  My lack of social interaction leaves me ignorant as to how to remedy her problem, which has somehow become your problem as well."  Everything she said was well paced and deliberate.  I was held in awe since that was the first time I had heard anything resembling a monologue from her.  

                "I…I see."  It didn't stop the disappointment.

                "However, what is also apparent to me is that you cannot help heal her when you are in need of healing as well.  The wounded cannot treat the wounded."  I began to shift uncomfortably at her words.  Did she know?  She said that she couldn't help me, but at the same time she understood exactly what I was going through?  She understood exactly what I was talking about?  I hadn't even asked her to help me find a way to help Asuka, and already she had deduced what the point of my broken sentences was.

                "Yeah…"  I trailed off and began to rub my upper arm nervously.  I felt a twitch beginning at the corner of my right eye.

                "There is something else you wish to tell me though.  Something more important."  How did she know?

                "I…sort of ran away again."  I said with a sigh.

                "Did you?"  She asked suddenly with her head cocked to the side curiously.  "That's what Major Katsuragi told me."

                "Mi-Misato called?"  I began to feel worry.

                "Yes.  She said that you had run away again.  And that I should inform her of your whereabouts should you make contact with me."  She sipped her tea.

                "Did…did you…call?"  I asked with dread.  I thought that maybe I had been setup.  Maybe Rei had called her already and she was on her way to get me right at that very moment.  I half expected to have Section 2 and Misato knock on the door at any moment.

                "No."  I looked up in surprise.  "I didn't call because I didn't think that you had run away.  It was illogical for you to come to me if you had run away."

                "So…you…what…what did you think?"

                "When I saw you at my door, you looked lost.  So I assumed that you were looking for something."  I sat across from her, my tea forgotten, stunned.

                "You…you know?"  She looked over the brim of her tea cup at me, her rubies locking into my gaze.

                "So what is it that you wish for me to help you find?"

                "I…I need a purpose."

                "A purpose?"  Again, her head tilted to one side.

                "I've been going through the motions, time after time.  Synch tests, battle simulators, physicals.  It goes on and on an on.  It's gotten to a point where I can't see why I pilot anymore."

                "We pilot to destroy the angels."

                "I know that, but why?  Why am I doing this?  I hate piloting, and I can't see why I should destroy the angels.  I can't see why I need to save the human race when the human race has given me nothing but pain.  I know…I know my suffering is nothing compared to what others have gone through.  Some…"  I took a shaky breath.  "Some don't even have a chance at life or happiness.  But I don't even necessarily have to be happy.  All I want is to see what I'm fighting for.  I want to see the happiness.  I want to see the beauty of the things that I fight for.  There's a spot on a hill above the city that I go to.  When the sun sets, it becomes one of the most beautiful things that I have ever seen.  The beauty never fades, but that's the only beautiful thing that I can see.  Everywhere else I look…I can't see it.  I can't…I can't…"  I could feel and hear my voice breaking.  Once again I needed to stop to hold back tears.  I looked down into my cup, memorizing the position of every last leaf.  And then I felt her touch again, on my cheek.  With an ever so gentle movement, she floated my head upward until I was again, looking into her eyes.

                "It seems to me, Ikari…"  She began softly.  "That you are blinded."

                "What?"  I asked incredulously.

                "If you cannot see what you are fighting for, then you are blinded by something.  You must come to terms with what is blinding you, or you will never be able to see what you want again.  I don't know why you came to me.  This is something only you can do."  The lead weight of disappointment and despair went to my gut.  "I can't help you."

                "I…I'm sorry for bothering you."  I said and began to stand up.  But as I did so, I lost track of where I was and felt backwards.

                "You are unwell.  You should rest here until you are better.  I will not call the Major.  But you must go back home later."  She pulled the sheets of her bed back and began to clean up the cups and tray.  "Rest."  She said and went into the kitchen.  I got up slowly, trying not to lose balance again.  I didn't feel like staying, but the bed looked so inviting.  Besides, it was raining outside.  So I climbed into her bed and pulled the sheets up.  I was exhausted, but not tired.

                So I lay there, listening to the rain fall.  The soft drumming was constant and melodic in a way.  I remember sitting in my friend's room one night.  Both of us on her bed, watching the rain form legs on her window.  She had no night light in her room.  I don't remember why.  We giggled and smiled, pointing out shapes and animals that we thought were formed by the cascading rain on the window.  

                "Kimiko's dad has a neat job.  When I grow up, I want to be a teacher too."  She giggled at me.

                "Your daddy's a teacher."  I felt a sudden anger.

                "He's not my dad."  I said plainly.

                "Sorry."  She said quickly and turned away.  I thought for a moment that I had hurt her feelings, and tried to remedy the situation.

                "So…what do you want do when you grow up?"

                "I don't know."  She said.  "Maybe be like Jun's dad and be a police officer."

                "Only boys can be police officers."  I said and giggled.

                "Nuh-uh.  Girls can be police officers too."

                "Can not."

                "Can too."

                "Can not!"

                "Shh!"  We stopped suddenly and listened to rain in a pained stillness.  "Dad might've heard us."  She whispered.  After a few moments, she seemed to relax before turning a sad gaze up to the window.  Then I noticed the ring on a chain around her neck.

                "What's that?"  I asked and pointed.  She looked down for a moment and took hold of it.

                "She gave it to me to keep safe."  I didn't ask her who she was, but I had the distinct feeling that she was talking about her mother.

                "It's very pretty."  She smiled at me before looking away.

                "I miss her."  She said softly.  "Daddy doesn't love me anymore.  He says that no one does.  That's why all the kids laugh at me."  She sniffed softly.

                "I love you."  I said quickly, not wanting to see her cry like she did before.  She suddenly looked at me with tears shining in her eyes, and then threw her arms around me crying.  I was afraid I had done something wrong and for a moment panicked.  Then we heard the thumping footsteps.

                "Oh no…"  She said sadly.  "Here.  Take this please.  She didn't want him to see this.  Keep it safe.  But I'll need it back later.  Promise that you'll give it back later?"  She whispered quickly.

                "I…I…I promise."  I said and took it from her.

                "Hide it.  And remember, you promised."

                Then the door crashed open and the room was bathed in the hall light.  I cried as I ran through the rain all the way home.  I don't think I saw her again after that night.

                I awoke slowly, the sounds of dishes being moved around woke me.  I sighed.  Mother in the kitchen.  I rolled over and breathed in her scent before trying to go back to sleep.  I lay drifting between conscious states before I finally felt something weight down the side of the bed.  I felt her touch my cheek and softly caress it.  

                "I made you lunch."  She said softly.  "Miso soup, tofu and breaded fish."  I smiled, rolled over and looked into her eyes.  Red eyes?  "You make sad sounds when you sleep."  She said.  It wasn't mother…it was…Rei?  No…not Rei…Rei wouldn't…this wasn't Rei.  It looked like Rei…but it wasn't.  There was something different about her.  Something felt different.  Memories flashed before me.  The moment that we met when she was brought in on the stretcher.  When I needed to give her a new NERV ID.  In the classroom, at NERV, but the Rei in front of me wasn't any of those.  The expression in her eyes...I was scared.  I sat up quickly and jerked away.

                Fear in her eyes.  Worry.  "Was that…wrong?"  She asked softly.

                "No…no…"  I said quickly and got out of bed trembling, a cold sweat all over me, afraid of being anywhere near her.  She wasn't Rei…she was an imposter…a clone…something…I didn't know.  "I…I…I…"

                "Shinji…Ikari…you look unwell."  She said backing up to the kitchen, looking rather agitated herself.

                "I…I…I…I'm sorry, I can't stay right now.  I…I…I…I have to go.  Sorry.  Goodbye."  I grabbed my back pack and moved toward the door. 

                "Your lunch."  I jumped backward as she made a start forward.

                "No!  No…no…thank you…but…no thank you…I…I have to…go…"  I opened up her door.  It looked almost as if there were tears in her eyes…or was it my imagination.  Confusion, hurt…those were definitely there.  The dog hobbled out as quickly as it could.  Even though, she wasn't Rei, I felt an incredible amount of guilt.  "I…I'm so sorry…I…I'm sorry…"  And I closed the door and left the apartment building as quickly as I could.

*******

                I stared at my cell phone.  The batteries were low.  More voice messages.  I shuddered involuntarily, ghost reactions to my near escape.  I scrolled down through my contacts, coming to a stop on 'Home'.  My thumb hovered over the call button.  I finally pressed down and placed the phone to my ear.  Once…twice…and then someone picked up.

                "Hello?"  Misato.  I was momentarily paralyzed with fear.  "Hello?  Who's this?  Shinji?  Shinji is this you?  Shinji, please talk to me…"  I hung up.

                I turned off the phone and placed it back into my backpack.  I felt a certain level of detachment from myself.  I was so exhausted, it hurt to think.  My sprained ankle throbbed and my hand burned.  My ass felt cold and wet.  It had stopped raining sometime before I had woken up at Rei's place.  I had made my way to the city park.  The paved walkways in the park had formed mirrors of all sizes.  The flora had darkened considerably from the rain and the overcast sky grayed the world around me.  Quite a walk, but I couldn't take the bus because they didn't accept dogs on board.  By the time I had gotten there, school had begun to let out.  I practically collapsed onto the park bench and watched as children in galoshes and rainwear tromped all around me.  I noticed that if their parents were with them, they'd be steered away from me.  I chuckled humorlessly at the thought of what I must look like.  The bandages around my hand were turning red already…wasn't the blood supposed to clot by then?  Little red spots of blood stained my white sneakers, and blue shirt.  My black slacks probably had some as well, but it was unnoticeable for the most part.  What my slacks did have a notable trace of though were dirt marks…probably from that tumble down the hill.  I noticed an itch beginning to work its way up into my throat, and my nose was beginning to run.  I was exhausted, but not tired.

                Despite all of that, I sat mesmerized, watching the children go by.  Giggles and laughter.  I saw a group of what must've been middle schoolers walking by.  One girl caught my eye…she was strikingly familiar.  Soft moans…heavy breathing…she was the one from the theatre.  She was only in middle school?  An older man began to approach them.

                "Daddy!"  She cried and leaped into his arms.

                "My baby!"  He said and they gave each other a peck on the cheek.  I smirked.  If only he knew where those lips had been.  "How was studying last night?"  I suddenly began to laugh out loud drawing the stares of a few passersby's.

                "Just fine daddy."  She replied.  I got up, still laughing.  The dog whimpered and got up as well.  Not knowing what I was going to do or where I was going to go, I began to walk.  Every muscle and joint screamed in pain, but I could only laugh.  The children no longer interested me.  And then I began to hear that music again…the same soft music that I heard at Rei's apartment.

                I froze and tried to place where the music was coming from…but I couldn't.  I must've turned in a circle several times, the gray, dull world spinning around me.  The clouds blocked out all sunlight, and the music seemed to be coming from all around me.  Where?  Where was it coming from?  And then I heard voices.

                "The kid is over here."  I whipped around but saw nothing but a few shrubs.  People were beginning to move around me as if I were radioactive.  Then I saw them.  The men in the black suits moved amongst the people in the crowd.  Section 2 had found me.  I broke out in a cold sweat.  I wasn't ready to go back yet.  I wasn't ready…so after a few moments of paralysis, I turned and I ran.

                The world went by in a blur.  I heard voices, murmurs about me.  What did they think of me now?  What did they have to say about me?  What little judgments were they passing when they didn't even know what I was going through?  All they saw was that I was running away…I headed out across the grass and through the playground.  The parents grabbed their children and pulled them away as I went by, looking over my shoulder to see if Section 2 was still following.  I didn't see the, so I ducked away into the public restroom facilities.

                I collapsed onto the floor breathing hard.  My entire body protested and burned.  Sobs and shivers racked my body as I tried to get a hold of my nerves.  I was vaguely aware that the dog had followed and was hobbling into the restroom at that moment, making its way over to me.  It nudged my arm and began to lick my hand.  Through my broken state I smiled weakly and attempted to stand.  That, in itself, was a battle.  My legs were wobbly and I couldn't seem to hold up my own weight.  I had to use the wall of the restroom as a brace.  When I did finally manage to get on my feet, I hobbled over to the sink.  I turned on the faucet and cupped some water in my good hand, then tried to wash my face clean with it.  I reached to the hand towel dispenser, but groped at nothing.  I cursed under my breath and used my shirt.  I heard the sound of a bathroom stall door creaking open and then banging closed.

                "So what do you plan to do now?"  I whipped around to see a one horror show of a boy looking back at me.  His eyes had dark rings around them and his skin was paler than a ghost's.  Scratches and bruises were all over his face and arms.  His hair was matted, clumped and greasy, and a sickly smile topped off his features.  

                "What?"  I asked, a bit confused at what he would want with me.

                "I asked what you were going to do now."

                "About what?"

                "About what?  About her."  He snorted and chuckled.

                "I…I don't know."  I said feeling annoyed and exasperated.  All I wanted was some time to stop and rest.

                "If you ignore it, its only going to get worse, you know that?"

                "Yeah."  I said and turned away, leaning against the edge of the sink.

                "So what the hell are you still doing here?  You need to talk to her."  He walked up beside me and began to wash his hands.

                "What…what does it matter anyway?  It didn't work out with Touji or the reason why I pilot.  So what makes you think that this will work out?"  I ran a hand through my hair.

                "How can you say that?  How can you say that about her?  You're always giving up before you try."

                "Yeah, well I did try and look how it's turning out."

                "And I'm proud of you for that.  Now finish it.  If for nothing else than to finish it.  For once in your life do this.  She's worth it if not worth more.  And you know that."  My eyes rested on my back pack on the floor.  "Give her a call."

                "You…you think so?"

                "Well, yeah."

                "What if Misato picks up?"  I reached into the back pack and pulled out the cell phone.

                "Then ask to talk to Asuka?  What do you think?"

                "I…I don't know if I can…there's so much more than that…there was what Rei said…"  My mind began to drift back to Rei's apartment.  What had happened while I was there?  "The wounded can't heal the wounded…"  I trailed off again.  I once again gave a start when I heard a bathroom stall door open and close.

                A middle aged man walked past me quickly, trying to tuck in his shirt while holding a magazine under one arm, casting quick glances at me as he went past.  I stood for a while longer, staring at my cell phone, wondering if I should give Asuka a call.  The batteries were low.  Maybe enough for one or two more phone calls.  I looked up…and the boy was gone.

                I picked up my backpack and left the restroom, first peeking out the entrance to make sure that Section 2 wasn't waiting for me.  I spent a good amount of time searching among the wandering people, trying to spot any black suits.  A couple times my heart sped up as I spotted a couple of businessmen in dark suits, but calmed again once I realized that they weren't who I thought that they were.  Once certain, I began to walk again.  I kept away from the path, near the bushes, trees and shadows, not wanting to draw any attention to myself.  I tried to keep a low profile, but it was difficult to do since I couldn't get near any crowd of people, seeing as how they would hurry away as I got near them.  As I neared the end of the park, I began to feel like someone might've been following me.  There was an older man in a dark suit…black suit…walking up quickly from behind me.  He was still a bit off so I turned away quickly, hoping he wouldn't notice my face.  I picked up my pace, hoping to get to the main street and among the street crowds so that I might discreetly lose him.  It seemed to take eons to get the other end of the park, but when I finally made it, I breathed out a heavy sigh of relief glancing quickly behind me to see if the man in the dark suit was still following me.  After seeing nothing, I relaxed and was about to head off down the street when someone grabbed my shoulder from behind.  I let out a yelp and turned around in a panicked frenzy to see the man in the dark suit standing right there in front of me.

                "Sorry, sorry."  He said quickly and put up his hands defensively.  "Forgive me if I gave you a start, I'm Kasuo Nakayama."  He pulled a card out of his wallet and handed it to me with a brief bow.

                "Sh-Sh-Shinji Ikari."  I said shakily as I tried to get my nerves under control.  My hands were shaking uncontrollably and I could barely say my own name.

                "Funny…your name sounds awfully familiar…"  He said inquisitively and began studying my face.  Okay, so he wasn't Section 2, but it wasn't any better that he might be able to identify me.  Was that why he stopped?  Did he recognize me from somewhere and want to know if I were THE Eva pilot?

                "Puppy!"  I heard a little girl squeal.  She ran up from seemingly out of nowhere and attached herself to my traveling companion's neck.  She wasn't any older than say, six or seven.  She wore a neat white and blue school dress and had her dark brown shoulder length hair held back neatly by an emerald green head band.  The smile on her face was radiant.  She was absolutely adorable.

                "Oh yes, forgive me again.  I get carried off on tangents sometimes.  You see, I thought I recognized our dog as I saw you walking through the park.  Miki here ran away about a week ago.  My daughter was so upset."  He ruffled the dog's ears.  The dog, I noticed was barking happily as the girl chased it around.  It hobbled, and made only half attempts at jumping, but I could plainly see that it had found its family…looks like it wasn't homeless after all.  "I don't know when you found her, but thank you for taking care of her.  Tank you very much.  I…don't know what else to say.  We had originally offered a small reward for her return, so here."  He extended his hand with a few large yen notes.  I didn't see exactly how me.  "Get yourself something with that."  His look…his smile…pitying and patronizing.  I felt a brief surge of anger and actually saw myself slapping his hand away…and I think I might've except I felt something wrap itself around my mid section.

                "Thank you!  Thank you!"  The little girl cried out looking up at me with beautiful brown eyes.  I smiled and placed my hand on her head.

                "No problem."  Her father then grabbed a hold of her arm and pulled her away from me.

                "Here, take it."  He said quickly, thrusting the notes at me.  I frowned and backed away.

                "Thank you, but no thank you."  I said through almost grit teeth.  "I'm fine."

                "Are you sure?"  He asked uncertainly, pulling back his hand ever so slowly.

                "Yes.  It's fine, really.  Have a nice day."  The girl ran off again, chasing after the dog.

                "Well…all right.  If you say so.  A good day to you as well."  He bowed briefly again before hurrying off after his daughter.  I watched my traveling companion go off into the distance with the little girl.  I felt sad…and happy at the same time.  It was the same feeling that you get when you give away a treasured childhood toy so that another young boy or girl could have the same special moments that you did.  Someone shouldered past me and I was yanked back into reality.  I realized that a tear had begun to course down my cheek.  I quickly wiped it away before heading off to unknown destinations.

*******

                I sat on the bus, the dying rays casting an orange glow on the interior and the few occupants left.  I sat staring at the cell phone in my hand…somewhere the music from Rei's apartment drifted to my ears.  I wondered about what the boy in the restroom told me.  How could I say that she wasn't worth it?  But…was she really worth it?  

                I thumbed down to 'Home' and then hit the dial button.  It rang once.  I took a deep breath, building up my resolve.  It ran twice.  I thought out what I would say if Misato picked up the phone.  Then she answered.

                "Hello?"  It was her.  Asuka.  But…for some odd reason, it still didn't sound quite like her.  She sounded tired…no…exhausted.  It sounded as if something had sucked all the life out of her.  "Hello?"  She sounded a bit irritated.  But…still…her voice sounded so good.  I began to smile a little bit.  "Who is this?"  Angry.  I chuckled.  "What was that?"  I felt rather refreshed, and I was about to speak when…I forgot what I was going to say.  "Freak."  And she hung up.  My mouth hung open, and I suddenly felt as though all life had been sucked out of me.  How could I hope to help her that way when I couldn't even think of something to say?  How could I face her when I couldn't even talk to her when she was on the phone?

                Rei had said…I can't heal her if I can't heal myself.  Did she mean that if I couldn't understand what troubled me, then I couldn't understand what troubled her?  But I know what was bothering me…it was the reason why I had such a hard time trying to find a reason to pilot.  But…she had said that if I could not find my reason to pilot, that I was blind.  Was there something that I was missing…but maybe…maybe if I understood Asuka first…then maybe I could understand myself as well…but who knew Asuka?  I turned off my cell phone and prepared to get off the bus.  I had to go see Hikari.

*******

                I stood in front of the door to the Horaki residence.  I hadn't realized that they lived so far away in comparison to everyone else.  They didn't live in an apartment.  They lived in an actual house.  A nice one too…two stories tall with a nice front lawn, a stone wall separating it from the sidewalk, a iron bar gate and a concrete walkway that led up to finely polished oak doors.  It was located on the outskirts of the city, which made me wonder as to how they were able to keep it in such good condition, considering that the outskirts took a lot of punishment during our frequent battles with the angels.  But as I said, being on the outskirts meant that it was far, far away.  By the time I arrived, the sun had already set and the stars were out.  

                I raised my hand apprehensively and forced myself to knock.  They might be having supper, they might even be getting ready for bed, but I kept telling myself…she's worth it.  And of course Hikari would realize the importance of what I was doing.  I heard some commotion behind the door.

                "Someone's at the door!"  A female's voice yelled…not Hikari.

                "Could you get it please?"  That was Hikari.  I began to open and close my hands nervously.

                "I'm on the phone with Ichiro!  Can't you get it?"

                "I'm cooking!"  They were about to have dinner?  I could feel my face burning up and I broke out into a cold sweat.  My legs were seriously thinking about turning and leaving before they could see me at the front door.

                "Goddamnit!"

                "Watch your language around Nozomi!"  A male's voice called out.

                "But Dad!"

                "Get the door Kodama!  Your sister is cooking."

                "Yes father."  A low, pissed off answer then heavy footsteps getting nearer to the front door.  The only thing that kept me from running was the thought of how bad it would look if they saw me taking off down the street.  It was too late anyway.  The door opened and I needed to shield my eyes for a moment as the light from inside seemed almost blinding.  "Holy shit…no, not you, it's this guy at my door…"  Her voice half contained wonder and half disgust.  My eyes adjusted and I saw that she still held the receiver to her ear.  "Um…who are you?"

                "Er…"  I began uncertainly, trying to find a proper way to introduce myself, but the light seemed almost distracting.  "Hikari…"  Was all I managed to get out.

                "Hikari!  It's for you!"  Who I guessed was Kodama turned around dismissively and walked back into the house, talking on the phone.

                "Who is it?"  I heard Hikari call out, but Kodama didn't answer.  I briefly wondered if she had directed the question at me and I almost answered, but my voice caught in my throat as she called out again.  "Kodama!  Who is it?!"  It seemed as if Kodama would continue to ignore her.  I heard a heavy sigh and some footsteps.  Hikari walked into the welcoming hall taking off a pair of oven mitts looking exasperated.

                "I-I-I-I…um…s-s-s-sorry for disturbing you."  I said nervously feeling my face burn even more, and then she noticed me.  She gasped, dropping the pair of mitts and bringing her hands up to her mouth.

                "Oh my god!  Shinji! What happened?!"  She cried out and ran toward.  For a moment I was taken aback at her reaction and almost pulled away in a panic as she grabbed a hold of my shirt and yanked me inside.  I dropped my bag accidentally and it landed with a thump on the floor.  "Ohmygod, ohmygod ohmygod."  She kept saying over and over again

                "Um…er…I…uh…"  I couldn't find the words as she grabbed a hold of my arm to look at my bad hand.  I became aware of the others now in the hall.  An older man with graying hair and a stern face stood firmly and looked me up and down critically.  A younger girl bearing a great resemblance to Hikari stood nearby with a wide-eyed look.  I saw Kodama in the next room, still on the phone, casually looking over the top of the couch at me.  

                "Hikari…who is this?"  The man was intimidating.

                "This is…this is Shinji Ikari.  He's in my class.  What happened to you?"

                "It…it…um…it's a…long story."  I managed to stammer out.

                "Kodama!  Fry the rest of the tonkatsu will you?"

                "What?!  You're the cook!"

                "I have to take care of Shinji!  Do something useful for once!"

                "Hey!  I do chores too!"

                "Kodama!"  The man who I took was their father turned left the hall.  "Get off the phone and finish the cooking.  You've been talking long enough."

                "Dad!"

                "Don't start."  He finished sternly and took a seat on a recliner in what I guessed was the study.

                "I have to do everything around here!  I'll call you after dinner, okay?  Bye."  She hit the button of the phone and I watched her eyeball me as she went from the study to the dining room.

                "Come on."  Hikari kept saying as she half dragged me upstairs, down a hall and into a nicely lit bathroom.  She shut the door behind us, sat me down on the toilet and began to search through the medicine cabinets.

                "R-really…Hikari…this isn't necessary."  I implored and tried to get up…but found that my legs wouldn't support me.

                She did as Rei did.  She snipped off my bloody bandages and tossed them in the trash.

                "Sorry, this might hurt."  She thrust my hander under the bath tub faucet and ran water over it.  I hissed and almost cried out as pain seared through my hand and my forearm.  I tried to make any sounds of pain, but I was failing somewhat.  I tried to concentrate on something else.  I noticed that the walls of the bathroom were a nice off white color…unfortunately bathroom décor wasn't enough to keep my mind off the pain that I had somehow missed at Rei's apartment.  My gaze fell upon Hikari's face.  Beads of sweat stood out along her hair line.  Instead of her usual pigtails, her hair was tied back with a scrunchy.  A hard look of concentration stood out on her face, and then all of a sudden she turned off the water.  She seemed to study my hand intently as fresh trails of blood made their way down, between my red stained fingers.  "When did this happen?"

                "Uh…er…" I was caught off guard as she looked me in the eyes.  "Ah…last night…sometime…I don't know."  I turned away to avoid her look, a little afraid that she caught me staring.

                "This is bad.  Something's not right.  You should go to a hospital Shinji.  I'm sure I could get father to take you…"

                "No!"  I said suddenly and perhaps a bit more loudly than I had intended.  She gave a start and looked at me in surprise.  "I…I…don't want to disturb him.  It's late already.  It can…I'll go tomorrow or something."  

                "You need to get this taken care of."  She said in a commanding tone as she dabbed at it with some tissue paper.

                "Tomorrow…I can't tonight…I…I…"  I was distracted by the sharp pain of antibiotics once again being applied to my hand.  Her touch was gentle, also like a mother's.

                "How did this happen?"  Rei asked me as she treated my hand.

                "I…I had an accident."  I said timidly and scratched the back of my head.  Her blue hair didn't seem so unnatural in the normal lighting of the bathroom.

                "What kind of accident?"  She asked softly and looked into my eyes.  Her red eyes…and I tried to think of something, a story, any story other than the truth, but every idea that I had seemed stupid and I knew that she would somehow know that I was lying to her.

                "I…I hit a mirror."

                "Why?"  She asked.  Non-judgmental…only curious.

                "Because…because I didn't like what I saw."  

                "What?"  Hikari asked me incredulously, eyes wide, jaw slack and unfinished bandages in her frozen hand.  "What do you mean you didn't like what you saw?"  I blinked my eyes, surprised.  I shook my head back and forth to make sure that I was seeing straight.  "You were looking at yourself and you didn't like what you saw?  So you hit the mirror?"  I could tell that she was somewhat unbelieving, the way that she phrased her questions.  I was in Hikari's bathroom…Hikari was treating my hand...and I wondered how I got there.

                "Hi-Hikari?"  I asked, still trying to figure out how I got there.

                "Y-yes?"  She looked very uncomfortable, her gaze never staying on me for more than a few seconds.  

                "I…I…"  I tried to figure out…what time it was…how I got there…what happened with Rei…what happened to Touji and Aiko…what happened to Asuka…what happened to the little girl…what happened to the dog…what happened to my friend…what happened to the ring… "I…I'm h-having a r-r-real h-hard t-t-time…oh shit…"  And then I broke the promise I made to myself.  I started to cry.  I brought my hands up to my face and tried to hide my tears.  I was confused, lost, ashamed, angry, exhausted, sad and I felt so utterly hopeless.  I don't think I had ever felt anything so horrible.  I felt empty, without purpose.  I felt like if I fell off the face of the earth, no one would care.  I felt like I had let everyone down, I felt like I shouldn't exist.

                "Oh Shinji…"  And her arms enveloped me.  "It's all right…oh Shinji…what happened to you?"  She whispered softly.  Her hands were like silk as the tenderly stroked my back.  I was too weak to pull away, and too weak to accept.  So I sat, my body trembling with every sob and my hands shaking uncontrollably.

                It was a little while before I was able to bring myself under control.  I slowly pulled my hands away and wiped my eyes, still sputtering and trying to choke down sobs.  

                "I…I…think dinner will be ready in a little bit."  She said.  I noticed through blurred vision that her eyes were moving from me to the bathroom door.  "I…I know that…that there is probably a lot that…um…you'd probably like to say, but why don't you join us for dinner first.  Then afterwards, we can talk…okay?"  She gave my hands a squeeze and she gave me what looked like a forced smile.  "I'll be right back."  She left the bathroom and closed the door behind her.

                I managed to get myself under control for the most part, and I began to stand up.  It took a little bit of an effort, and I needed to steady myself on the sink counter, but I finally managed it.  When Hikari returned, she had a plastic bag and a rubber band around her wrist.  She smiled worriedly at me and I turned away, ashamed.  She finished bandaging my hand and then proceeded to wrap the plastic bag around the bandaged hand and sealed it with the rubber band.

                "You should take a shower."  She said and looked away nervously.  "I could lend you some of my father's clothes, I'm sure he wouldn't mind…"

                "No…I…uh…I have an extra change of clothes.  In my…backpack downstairs…"  I trailed off, and ventured a look at her.  She caught my gaze and smiled reassuringly at me.

                "I'll get it for you."  Once again I was alone.  I turned and saw myself in the mirror.  I laughed dryly as I remembered the expressions on the faces of the pedestrians and Hikari's family.  I turned as Hikari entered the bathroom again with my backpack and a towel.  "You can use this to dry off with.  When you're done, come downstairs.  Dinner will be ready by then."  With one last look, she closed the door, leaving me to my shower.

                The water cascaded down in the same motion as the water from Rei's apartment.  It ran across me, warming my skin but doing nothing for the cold I felt inside.  Rei…what had happened?  I closed my eyes and memories began to return to me in fragments.  I remembered that I had gotten to Hikari's house by bus, but I had not remembered why.  I remembered going to Rei's apartment…I remembered my wounds being dressed by her.  I remembered the dog and its owners.  I remembered asking for Rei's help with something…and then remembered what I had asked her.  I felt some brief irritation as I recalled her rather cryptic answers.  Then I remembered why I had to talk to Hikari.  But something was missing…there was something else that I was forgetting.

                I absently grasped a hold of the bar of soap and began an effort to clean myself.  I let go of everything for a brief moment as I became lost in the smell.  The soap smelled of rainfall, and I held it under my nose to better enjoy the essence.  The smell of rain was one I enjoyed.  It was especially distinct out in nature.  I remember sitting on my rock, letting the warm summer rain wash over me, washing away my nightmares.  I cried softly for my friend, whom I missed dearly.  She had stopped coming to class, and I never saw her in any of the places that I usually did.  No one seemed to know what had happened to her and it was almost as if she had never existed in the first place.

                The shampoo smelled of flowers, reminding me of spring.  The cool sensation it left behind reminded me of winter.  The ghost of warmth that passed over me as I turned off the shower reminded me of fall.  I stepped out of the shower, took off the plastic bag and dried myself off.  Though I had taken a shower, I still felt unclean.  I went through my bag and took out my only other change of clothes.  I put the dirty pants and shirt back into my backpack.

                I carried it downstairs and left it by my shoes at the front door, then nervously made my way into the dining room to find Hikari putting the final touches to the table settings.  She smiled brightly as she noticed that I had entered the room.

                "You look much better."  She said with an attitude much lighter than earlier.

                "Yeah, well, I feel a bit better."  I lied and smiled falsely.

                "Please, have a seat.  I'm going to go get everyone else."  She left and a few moments later the all spaces of the table were occupied.  At the head was their father, across from me was Hikari and next to me was Nozomi, the girl looking at me curiously.

                "Well, I must say that I'm glad to have you dining with us Mister…"  The father trailed off eying me, leaving an opening for me to properly introduce myself.

                "Please forgive the scene I caused earlier."  I apologized formally.  "I am Shinji Ikari.  Hikari's classmate."

                "I am Hirosuke Horaki.  Hikari's father.  Pleased to make your acquaintance."  We all sat in silence for a few moments, the food in front of us inviting, but no one making a move.  Then he cleared his throat audibly and looked to Hikari's sisters reproachfully.

                "Oh!"  Nozomi was the first to comprehend and she blushed.  "I'm Nozomi Horaki.  Pleased to meet you Mister Ikari."

                "Please, call me Shinji."  I said and laughed nervously, not altogether comfortable with the strict formalities that Hikari's family seemed to practice.

                "Kodama Horaki."  Her older sister said dismissively and broke her ohashi open.

                "Kodama."  Mr. Horaki said with a dark tone.

                "Yeah, great to meet you."  She finished and rolled her eyes.

                "What was that?"  Mr. Horaki once again warned.  Kodama didn't answer and sipped water from her glass.  Then he hit the table causing everything to jump, and giving me a scare though Nozomi and Hikari didn't seem affected.  "Kodama!"

                "Father…please."  Hikari said and glanced at me with a very red face.  He paused and then leaned in very close to Kodama.

                "Count yourself lucky that we have a guest."  I managed to hear him say.  Then he straightened himself out.  "Let's eat."  He said and took a portion of tonkatsu for himself.

                Hikari served me tonkatsu, greens and rice.  I thanked her and began to eat, trying my best to become invisible.

                "So Mister Ikari, are you of any relation to Commander Gendo Ikari?"  I almost choked, and I could feel myself become red in the face.  I took a deep drink of water to help wash it down.

                "I'm sorry."  I said and coughed a little bit.  "Yes…I…I…um…I'm his son."  I said, trying to sound as even as possible.

                "Oh really?"  He raised his eyebrows, but his stern look never left, making me very uncomfortable.  "Do you live with him?"  I saw Hikari casting nervous glances at me.

                "No."  I said simply and looked back at my food, hoping to end the conversation there.

                "I don't blame you.  He's a right hard man to get along with, and I don't mind telling you."

                "Um…if you don't mind me asking…how do you know my father?"  I found myself asking.

                "I head the City Council's Public Relations Office.  I have to deal with him and the rest of the NERV cover up group.  With the mess those people make..."  

                "Shinji's an Eva pilot."  Hikari exclaimed suddenly then got a panicked look, like she said something that she shouldn't have.

                "Oh really?"  The raised eyebrows again.

                "You are?!  Oh my God!"  Kodama suddenly took an interest in me.

                "Wow."  Nozomi looked at me wondrously. 

                 I could feel myself become red in the face.  I couldn't stand it when people looked at me that way, as if I were some sort of hero.  I lost my appetite.  For the rest of the uncomfortable dinner, I fielded questions posed by Mr. Horaki and Kodama.  Nozomi just stared at me, and Hikari tried to avoid my looks as much as possible.  She finally managed to save me from them when she began to clean up the dirty dishes.

                "Well, it's been interesting Mr. Ikari.  Will you be staying with us tonight?"  Mr. Horaki asked as he rose from the table.

                "Um…I…er…if…well…I wasn't…"  I hadn't thought of that.  I still had to talk to Hikari, and I didn't know where I would go after that.   Yet at the same time I didn't want to impose on them.

                "Of course he is."  Hikari spoke up as she returned from the kitchen with a stack of small bowls and a number of spoons.

                "Ah, good then.  I trust Hikari will show you to your room after dessert."  Hikari brought out some ice cream and a scooper and began to serve ice cream.  As she did so, I noticed something that I had not, not even throughout all of dinner.  Their mother was absent.  I guess I had been so used to not having a mother around that it seemed normal to me.

                "What's it like piloting those machines?"  Kodama asked for what must've been the millionth time that hour.

                "Give it a rest.  Shinji's tired, he's had a long day."  Hikari stepped in as she gave Kodama her serving.

                "Yes, you'll have to tell me about what that was all about one of these days."  Mr. Horaki said without looking at me.

                "Well, do you get paid for piloting those things?"  Kodama asked with a mouthful of ice cream.

                "Kodama."  Mr. Horaki warned.

                "I told you, give him a break.  He's had a tough day.  And then you ask him about how much he makes?  Where's your decency?"  Hikari said irritably as she handed me my serving.  Vanilla.

                "Money is very important aspect of society."  Kodama said dismissively.

                "Is that why you're dating Ichiro?  Because he has a large credit limit?"  I noticed the argument getting off topic.

                "Money gets you ahead in life."  Kodama finished off her ice cream.  "I hate to sound superficial, but it's true."

                "You don't hate it, you relish it."  Hikari spat venomously.

                "Your sister has a point."  Mr. Horaki said absently and he cleaned up his place.

                "But there should be more to a relationship than cash."  Hikari continued defiantly.

                "Yeah, you'll be good housewife for that dumb jock, Suzuhara, when he gets his construction…"

                "He's not just a dumb jock."  I heard myself say in a low tone.  I could feel the anger rising inside of me, and I began to clench and unclench my hands.  "I would appreciate it if you took that back."  Kodama began to look at me with a strangely.

                "He's correct.  That was uncalled for.  Apologize."

                "Sorry…sorry…just stating…"

                "Kodama."

*******

                "I'm sorry about my family Shinji.  They're a handful, I know."  Hikari apologized yet again as she fixed the sheets of my bed.  I smiled as I looked back on the dinner.  I didn't find them so odd, to tell the truth.  Sure, Kodama said some things that irritated me, Mr. Horaki was a bit intimidating and Nozomi was a bit shy, but they were normal.  There were no awkward silences, no tears, some intense sibling rivalry maybe, but nothing that wouldn't be seen in any normal family.

                "It's all right, really."  I said softly and took a seat, feeling slightly refreshed but still trying to build up the willpower to talk to her about Asuka.  I was trying to make a plan on how I was going to carry on my conversation, but as usual, something else came up.

                "Shinji…I…I don't know what to say…"  She began and stopped.  For a moment I was confused.

                "Uh…that's okay…"  I said uncertainly and began to rub my arm nervously.

                "I…I had no idea…that you had it so hard…"  I began to shift my weight between feet as I tried to figure out what she was talking about.  "But Touji's not your fault Shinji…"  I felt a wave of dread hit me.

"Asuka told me all about it…it's not your fault…"  Oh shit.  "Please, stop killing yourself over it…"  She stood right in front of me, hands clasped together, looking as though she would break into tears at any moment.   "He's still alive right?  He's still alive because of you."  Then a tear did roll down her cheek.  "Look at me…I'm getting all shaken up and you were the one that came to me for help.  I'm horrible at this."  My entire life seems to consist of confusion.  Sometimes I think that Asuka is right for calling me dense, or stupid.  The best thing I could do was return the favor that she had given me earlier, so I took my cue and put my arms around her.

                "I…I mean…I haven't even heard anything about him.  Asuka didn't know anything about him, and I haven't seen her recently so I don't know anything other than that he got hurt, you know?  I'm worried."  I racked my brain furiously, looking for something right to say.

                "Hey, I just saw him a couple days ago, you know."  I cringed at the memory, but I needed to tell her something.

                "Really?"  She looked up at me hopefully.  "How was he?"

                "He looked fine.  I…I…um…I could take you to see him sometime you know.  All you need to do is tell me, huh?"  I forced a smile at her.  Would I really?  She hugged me tightly and beamed.

                "Thank you so much."  I didn't say anything, for fear of breaking out into tears myself as I recalled my encounter with Aiko.  "So…um…how is Asuka?"  She asked and laughed nervously while wiping away tears.  I looked at her…and I lost what I was going to say.

                "She…she…" I couldn't tell her…she was worried enough as it was with Touji…telling her that her best friend was mentally in shambles would only make things worse for her.  "She…she's doing…fine."

                "I haven't seen her around much."  She said curiously with a creased brow.  "Why hasn't she called me?"

                "She's…uh…still a little shaken up from the last angel battle.  It…it was tough."  I felt like a monster, telling her lies.  "I'll tell her to give you a call as soon as I get home."  I said quickly before she could potentially ask me something I couldn't get through.

                "Thanks.  Erm…"  She smiled and trailed off.  "So…uh…what did you want to talk about?  I mean, about your hand and everything…"

                "I just needed…uh…a shoulder to cry on.  Thanks.  I'll…I'll be fine.  Thank you for letting me stay overnight."  I lied again.

                "Are you sure?"  She asked, her brow creased with worry again.

                "Yeah, I'm sure.  I'll be fine, really."  I smiled and sat on the edge of the bed.  

                "I'm so sorry."  She said again and began to laugh and blush.  "Tonight has to be the weirdest night ever.  So much emotion."  She said awkwardly.  "Normal people have conversations.  We should catch up tomorrow."

                "Uh…sure…that sounds great."  I forced the response, not exactly relishing the thought of having inane chit chat, even with her.

                "I still think you should go to a hospital about that hand though."  She said sternly.  "Tell you what, tomorrow I'll go with you to NERV hospital, you can get your hand treated, we can go see Touji and then we can go back to your place and I'll visit Asuka, huh?"  She said with a large smile, hands again clasped together.

                "Sure."  I felt as though I could cry.

*******

                I lay on the sheets of the bed, staring up at the ceiling fan as it rotated at a snail's pace.  The light of the moon reflected off of it, casting a ghostly light upon various areas of the room.  My body screamed for rest, but my mind wouldn't let me.  My thoughts were once again replaying the day's events, from the time I got up from the theatre to the present moment.  I had first ventured to Rei's apartment, desperate to find a reason to continue to pilot.

                Rei had listened to me.  She had taken care of my hand without question.  She never judged and she actually seemed to understand what I was feeling.  She didn't call Misato to have me taken back home.  She had true faith in me.  And then…I remembered.  What had I been thinking when I woke up that afternoon?  The confusion and the pained look in her eyes as she tried to understand why I was acting that way, was torture to me as the memory was refreshed.  I squeezed my eyes shut and balled my hands into my fists, feeling an unparalleled shame.  How must she feel after that?  Did she feel rejection?  What was wrong with me?  I tried to think of something else.

                I recalled the dog and its owners.  I felt a little jealous of the girl.  The dog had been my friend for the two days that I had been fruitlessly searching for myself.  The loyalty that it seemed to have had touched me, but I have to admit that the scene of the two playing was even more so.  I could tell that the dog was probably her best friend in the world.  Who was I to take that from her?  But I couldn't help but think about how she would feel when the dog passed.  It was so old, and no animal lived forever.  The dog probably only had another year or so left in it, and how would the girl deal with that loss?  I felt that maybe if I had decided to somehow keep the dog from her, I would've spared her the trauma.  I rolled over onto my side and tried to think of something else.

                I thought about the call home to Asuka.  I could've spoken to her.  She had been home and she had actually picked up the phone.  But why couldn't I talk to her?  Why was it so difficult?  I so badly wanted to help her, but I couldn't find the words or actions to make it so.  I could've called her back, but I had just turned off my phone and put it away.  I was watching her slowly fade away, and I was doing nothing about it.  What kind of person just sits by and watches their loved ones crumble and fall?  I buried my face in the pillow trying to block out my own thoughts.

                I imagined myself as one of Hikari's family, seeing myself standing in the doorway looking like the living dead and dripping blood from an injured hand.  I couldn't even fathom the imposition that I must've been making on their otherwise perfect evening.  I felt red around the ears for weeping like child on Hikari.  She must've felt so strange and awkward.  Although she and Asuka were the best of friends, she hardly knew me, and then all of a sudden I appear and start bawling about something she doesn't even know how to understand.  And then my presence brings up her fond memories for Touji.  She didn't have NERV access, she didn't know he was doing.  How she must sit in her room with sleepless nights, wondering whatever happened to him and if he would ever be coming home again.  What must she think of me?  I had been the one responsible, and the least I could've done was offer to take her to see Touji, but I didn't even do that.  Then they serve me dinner and give me a bed for the night, and I can't even gather up the guts to talk to her about Asuka, so that I could help her good friend and myself.  My entire disturbance was for nothing.  So what was I doing lying in their bed, the comforts of their home when all I was doing was tainting their existence?  Hikari was a good person, she didn't deserve this.  So I opened my eyes and got out of the bed. 

                I noticed the sudden lack of light in the room, and I looked out the window to see dark clouds occupying the sky in its entirety.  I picked up my backpack and I exited the guest bedroom as quietly as I could.  The household seemed to be asleep, which was good for me.  I crept down the stairs, groping the banister the entire way, not for need of a guide in the darkness, but because I felt as though at any given moment my tired knees would give out sending me headlong down the stairs.  When I reached the bottom, I sat on the floor and began to put my shoes on.

                "Mr. Shinji Ikari?"  I gave a start and broke out into a cold sweat, a tingling sensation shooting through my body.  I made out Nozomi in the darkness.  She was creeping down the stairs as well and seemed to be clutching something to her chest.  "Is that you?"  She sported yellow pajamas and her hair hung down freely in a rather cute way.  "Are you…leaving?"  She asked timidly.

                "Yes."  I answered and looked away, too ashamed to look at her.

                "Oh…okay."  She sounded disappointed.

                "It's…it's not you or your family…it's just that…I'm…I'm…"  I tried to find a way to put it for her to understand.  "I'm unwell.  Sick."  She responded with silence, making me feel even worse than before.  Finally I felt it best to leave as quickly as possible and I tugged on my shoes.

                "Wait."  She said in a loud whisper.  "Mr. Shinji Ikari sir…if…before you go…if…it wouldn't be too much trouble…could you…uh…could I…have your autograph?"  I slowly turned and looked at her with wide eyes, not believing my ears.

                "You…want my autograph?"  She held out what she had been clutching to her chest, and saw that it was a book.

                "Please?"  I tried to fathom why she would want my autograph, but I accepted the book from her anyways and then the pen that she offered as well.  I squinted in the darkness for a little while trying to see the place in the book where she wanted me to sign.

                "Um…could you…?"  I couldn't finish the sentence but I pointed to the ceiling to indicate the lights.  She nodded and quickly flipped them on.  I found the spot on the page and signed.  "Kenji?"  I inquired about a name as I had briefly scanned over what she had written so far.

                "Oh!"  She said and pulled the book away and closed it.  "It's…my diary."  She said with a noticeably blush.

                "Oh…sorry."  I said with a blush, feeling guilty for having scanned over what must've been some of her most personal thoughts.  "Boyfriend?"  I asked trying to break the nervous tension.

                "No!"  She said, her freckles standing out again the red.  "Well…not yet…I mean…I like him…he's nice…but….oh!  Why am I telling you this?"  She hid her face behind her diary.  If it were possible, I felt even more awkward.

                "Well…thank you for letting me stay here this long…but I have to go now…"  She slowly brought down her book and she looked at me right in the eyes, freezing me in my place.

                "Okay…good bye Mr. Shinji Ikari.  It was nice meeting you.  I…hope you find what you're looking for."  And then she quickly hit the lights and glided silently back up the stairs.  And I was left alone in the dark wondering how she knew.

*******

                I walked among the crater lakes of the ruined outskirts.  Building and houses gray as stone stood out like rocks in each lake.  The water was as black as the sky, but gave off enough of a reflection for me to identify and avoid.  The destruction that I walked amongst seemed to represent everything that I stood for.  There was nothing good about me.  There was nothing for me to fight for anymore.  I tongued a large cold sore that had developed on the inside of my cheek, and I tasted iron.  There was nothing left for me to do…I had failed at everything.  I was unable to make amends with Touji…I was unable to find a reason to keep piloting…and I was unable to help Asuka.

                I thought about Nozomi and how she had asked for my autograph.  How she must've looked up to me…and I coldly laughed to myself.  I felt a warm breeze blow by, bringing the smell of rain.  It wasn't long before I felt the very first raindrops begin to fall.  Then it all came in a torrential downpour.  Within minutes I was soaked to the skin, the sound of the water in hitting the manmade lakes like drums drowning out everything…everything except the sound of footsteps behind me.  I smiled tiredly.  It seemed like Section 2 had caught up with me.  So what was I to do?  I couldn't go back…I couldn't face Rei after what I had done to her…I couldn't go back.  Then what else was there for me to do?  A single idea struck me, and I spotted a lone boulder jutting out over the surface of the lake.

                Despite my legs protest, I began a jog to try and get the rock before Section 2 could catch up and grab me.  I bet that the water was pretty deep.  I also bet that with my current physical condition, that my legs wouldn't be up to the task of holding me afloat.  I also bet that whatever depth held couldn't be nearly as painful as to having to go back and face everyone that I had hurt.  Somehow, I would think that suicide would be something much more difficult to carry out.  But as I made my way up the boulder, I knew it would be no problem for me to turn around, give Section 2 one last farewell before stepping off the end of eternity.

                I stared into the black pool below me watching the water ripple majestically making it seem like it was an actual living being.  The footsteps stopped behind me, and I contemplated just stepping off before they could stop me.  And then I heard crying.  I turned around slowly…and I saw the little girl standing at the base of the boulder, face buried in her hands weeping.  The sound pierced my heart and I made my way back down to her as carefully as I could.  I stood in front of her, and she continued to cry without looking up at me.

                "Hey…hey…hey there."  I said softly and bent down.  She slowly looked up at me trying to choke down sobs.  One eye was milk white, the other was emerald green.  Her hair was a beautiful dark brown.  I couldn't stand it any longer, and I just wrapped my arms around her.  She wept on my shoulder and I closed my eyes feeling everything that she felt.  Lonely, rejected, pained…and somehow it was all her fault.  "Sh…sh…"  Someone so young and with so much to live for shouldn't be so sad.  They shouldn't have to experience that much.  "Sh…it's okay…it's not your fault…it's not your fault."  I kept repeating it over and over, gently stroking her hair, holding her close.  I closed my eyes and I could feel tears start fall from my eyes.  "It's not your fault…"  I'd sit out on the flat of the boulder, the cold stone biting against my legs with my blanket wrapped around myself.  The moon would shine down upon my tear-streaked face as I cried silently, the nightmares still fresh in my mind.  "It's not your fault…"  After a little while, her crying began to die down and she slowly pulled away, still sniffling.  I smiled, feeling a warm satisfaction as well as sadness flow through me.

                "There, you feel better?"  I asked softly, looking into her eyes.  But then she shook her head.

                "Why?"  I asked curiously, wanting so badly to know how to make her feel better.

                "Because you still think it's your fault."  She said.  I went slack jawed and I shakily rose to my feet, unable to break the hold her eyes had on mine.  Then she took my hand and it all became so clear.

                A million thoughts ran through my head and everything that happened within the last few days raced before my eyes.  The beauty of it all…how could I have not seen it?  Rei had been right.  Toji was in Unit-03, and there was nothing I could've done to change that.  One day Kensuke would understand what I went through.  I didn't know anything about the couple in the theater, for all I knew they could be in love.  I thought I could've protected the little girl from the trauma of losing a loved pet, but even if she hadn't gotten the dog back, she would live never knowing what had happened to it.  Children won't always be children.  No one lives forever.  I didn't pilot for father, for the world or even for me.  I piloted for everyone that meant something to me.  Misato, Asuka, Toji, Kensuke, Hikari, Nozomi, and even the couple in the theater.  Sure…I was surrounded by destruction and a society that perpetuated everything that I hated…but there was so much that offset everything that I found ugly.

                "Feel better?"  There is no way to describe the way that I felt.  Liberated…like I was floating on air…like I had just seen the most beautiful sunrise from the highest vantage point.  "Can I have my ring back now?"  Then I remembered the ring.  I reached into my pocket and pulled out the ring on the chain.  I held it reverently in my hand.  It seemed to radiate in the darkness.  And after one last longing look, I held it out to her and smiled.  "Thank you."  She said and placed it around her neck.  She held the ring between her thumb and her index finger and seemed to examine it for a little while.  Then she looked up at me and beamed.  "Thank you."  She said again.  "I have to go now, though."  I nodded, understanding completely.  "Goodbye."

                "Bye."  I said, and watched her slowly disappear in the rain.

                I took a moment to gather myself up.  I thought about everyone that I had hurt.  Yeah, I still felt like shit about what I had done…but I felt like I could finally do this.  I felt confident for the first time in a long time.  And suddenly the magnitude of what I had to do hit me.  What the hell was I doing out there in the rain?  There was so much for me to do!  So I reached into my backpack, turned on my cell phone and dialed home.

                "Hello?"  A groggy voice answered the phone.

                "Hi.  It's Shinji.  I'm coming home."

End

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**Writer's Notes:  Well, here it is.  My third fic.  Do I really have nothing else better to do with my time?  In any case, I appreciate all criticism.  I acknowledge myself as a mediocre writer at best, so ding me on anything you can, especially characterization, plot, structure and dialogue.  If you think that the story was wonderful, that's great.  If you think that my thumbs should be surgically removed so that I may never hold a pen again, so be it.  Special thanks goes to LeperMessiah (aka RustedAngel) for pre-reading and telling me what sucked about it.**


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